The Empty Seat

Pack your bags, friends! The holidays are HERE. Not only are we widening our waistbands for that turkeytop (like a muffintop, but the direct result of eating Thanksgiving leftovers for 8 days straight), but we’re also making space for emotional baggage. Delightful, I know.

So here’s the deal. I’m trying to lighten it up. Can you see my defense mechanisms through this shirt? That’s embarrassing. I know how painful relationships can be. We have unreconciled relationships in our family that always seem to ache like an old injury this time of year. Buried hurt feelings wrapped up with poor communication and tied with a bow of words that can’t be taken back make for a gift none of us asked for. And yet, here we are. 

Every year around the holidays, I feel like I should reach out. It starts in the fall, when I’m feeling motivated, rejuvinated and so fresh and so clean, clean. I play it out in my mind. What I would say, what I need to do better, and how I hope they’ll respond. But every single time, I’m reminded of every single OTHER time. I’ve tried this before. It does not appear that the desire for reconciliation is mutual and I’m left feeling confused and rejected. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

I’m sure you can relate. The holidays cause us to load our luggage with relational fallout and memories of past disappointments. Most of our homes are not big enough for everyone to bring that many carryons, so it makes for a crowded get-together. 

Some of you have experienced the loss of a loved one, making any unfinished business a one-sided transaction. You’re grieving each time your eyes scan the room and land on the empty seat that has been reassigned to someone new. Or perhaps you’d like someone to get lost. You’re on the other side of a difficult person and you’d like to see them skip a holiday or two.

A normal response to the potential chaos is control. Have you gone out of your way to keep a difficult person comfortable? Do you ever feel like you need to jump ahead of a problem to limit negative responses from others? Do you apologize for what you think others might be upset about? Do you respond to others based on what you think they are feeling? Do you extend yourself beyond regular hospitality in a way that leaves you feeling depleted, resentful, or used? 

I call this emotional heavy lifting. The motives are often to eliminate discomfort, negativity, and potential conflict. Not problematic on their own, but they can develop a pattern. Proverbs 19:19 warns us against rescuing people from their problems because we will have to do it again. We can be helpful without solving problems for others, which gives them the opportunity to learn how to do it for themselves. 

I spent the first part of my life trying to remain one step ahead of conflict and negativity. I was a heavyweight champion when it came to trying to think of everything. People pleasing felt good because it was working. Fast forward to relationships compounded by complicated emotions and conflict even though I tried to be nice. Carrying the load for others was exhausting and the payoff was, well…wearing off. Now I still sense when there is tension, but I have removed “finding the source” from my job description. 

Imagine bench-pressing the emotional weight of conflict, challenges, and difficulties in your life. We do care for others by carrying the weight of their problems, so load up the bar. Just before lowering the weight for a single rep, Jesus offers to do it for you. Essentially He leans over the bar and says this is too heavy for you. Let me lift it. You will still gain strength but without the exertion. 

It may sound passive, but we can hand the burden over to him. We are called to be peacemakers (Matt. 5:9), so we can take our place at the table and actively pray for softened hearts and open doors. An open door is easy to detect, isn’t it? It means you aren’t slamming on the other side, waiting for someone to come out because you made a loud enough sound. Approaching a hard heart often adds stones to the pile, where a softened heart is fertile ground for new life. Only God knows the difference. By trusting Him, we experience relief from the pressure to remain one step ahead and we find rest in His guidance. 

In another post, we’ll explore what it looks like to handle conflict as it arises, but for right now, for this purpose…ask yourself what you need to let go of or step away from this holiday season. Take your focus away from the empty seat and the unreconciled issues at the table. Find gratitude in the places that are working, that are healthy, and the people that are showing up in your life. No may not be the final answer, but it’s okay to say not right now.

How to Hack the Mindful Scroll

I’m here to free you from the mindless scroll. We’re breaking out of this place. We’ve been wrongfully imprisoned and we are no longer doing the time. I’ve already dug the tunnel and thought through the escape plan. Are you in? 

Here’s the thing. Social media matters. There, I said it. It’s an amazing way to connect with others, stay informed, gain information, develop ideas, and be inspired. Engaging responsibly with social media is more complicated than the directive to “put down our phones.” 

Mindfulness is all about being fully present in the moment while acknowledging thoughts, feelings, and the impact of outside influences. We may not remember what we’ve just read while scrolling, but our brains process and store bits of information along the way. This information influences our thoughts and behavior. That’s not always a bad thing, but how do we make it meaningful? 

Be intentional. 

1. Filter the feed. There’s no need to formally unfollow anyone here, but that scroll will go on for days if you let it. I use bookmarks to save feeds I’d like to follow and categorize them by content. Friends, influencers, products, home ideas, project inspiration…each section creates a filtered feed that allows me to stay focused.

2. What are you looking for? Even if you’re checking socials in your spare time, what are you hoping to find? If you’re hoping to connect, stick with friends and family. If it’s inspiration, search by topic or someone you already know that provides that content. With a goal in mind, you are more likely to catch yourself going down a rabbit hole. All of a sudden your 7 feeds away from Kevin Bacon and you have NO IDEA how you got there. It’s a slippery slope, friend.

3. Use a timer. I know. LAME. Bookmarks are helpful, but your feed does need to be refreshed from time to time. Before entering the abyss, be sure you only use the time you have allotted.

4. Unfollow as needed. Shhh girl. It’s fine. Sometimes you need to silence that feed. It leaves you feeling unsettled, comparing, or taking two steps back. You’ve come too far to let that happen. How are you going to let your freedom be robbed right out from under you in YOUR FREE TIME?

5. Put down your phone. BLEH. I hate that I just said that, but you’ve gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. I’ve learned not to look at my phone when we’re getting ready in the morning. It took far too many disastrous mornings for that to sink in. This boundary extends to family time, making/eating meals, before/after school, when I’m breathing. Just kidding on that last one. I get pulled into the vortex and when I feel myself ignoring what my kids are saying (like the MONSTER I AM), I put down the phone and regroup.

6. Take your seat. One of the biggest things I learned at She Speaks is that numbers matter. I can’t tell you how many conversations I had with women that were torn between growing their platform and not selling out. Publishers liked their work but needed to see MORE. This tension is so confusing when the goal is meaningful impact. However, you can be assured of this. YOU MATTER.

I want to encourage you to engage with the people you follow in a way that supports their growing content.

You can make a difference! You provide feedback that allows others to know what works and what doesn’t. And by works, I don’t just mean "gets the likes.” Every time you comment, repost, or share a page, or save to Pinterest, you allow that person to grow organically and authentically. You connect more deeply with their work and they are challenged to press on. It’s a win-win.

What are some of the ways you keep your scroll in check?

Can We Talk About That?

Witches, skeletons, and ghosts. Oh my. How do you respond to your kids’ questions about these things? Among the other topics we would prefer NOT to talk about with our kids, I rank these pretty high. But just like those other things, I think we have to get past our discomfort rather than avoid difficult conversations.

So how do we answers questions about all the creepy stuff? How do we get through the holiday without scaring them, JEN? I know. Candy always comes at a cost. To keep it simple, I would start by saying that the motive of exploring these things should be to 1. disarm fear and 2. point the person to the truth. Read what the Bible has to say. Fact check through commentaries. Ask your pastor. Offer age appropriate information. Do not overwhelm little minds with big things. Heck, do not overwhelm full-grown minds with frightening facts! I would also caution against initiating these conversations if they are not already curious and asking questions.

Secret Things

I find a healthy balance in Deuteronomy 29:29 where it says “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” The distinction here is that some things have been revealed through Scripture and many have not. Let’s keep it that way. First Corinthians 4:5,6 warns us against making judgments or going beyond what is written. It’s not up to us to fill in the blanks. So as I said before, we enter into these mysteries knowing that we have been given a small fragment of the picture (and for good reason). 

I’m not diving deep, but I would like to point out Scripture and show you some ways you can return the emphasis to who God is and what He says is true. I’m guessing your curious crew will have lots of questions and anything that directs their trust toward God is worth exploring. If you don’t feel ready to talk about it or don’t have an answer, you can always say, “Let me check that out” or “I’m not sure.” As with all things, we aren’t expected to have all the answers.

Some of you may want to talk about these things with your kids, but you aren’t sure what you think about God. That’s okay. You can share these views and say “this is what the Bible says” or “people that believe the Bible is true believe this.” You can teach your kids the stories and make them aware of the Bible as most of them will at one time or another crack it open to see what all the fuss is about.

So What Do We Say?

Skeletons

Ezekiel 37 shares a vision of a valley full of human bones that for me immediately brings to mind the awful images from the Holocaust. Bodies laid to waste without proper burial. Dry from being scavenged, picked apart, and broken down over time. They are all that remains. God asks Ezekiel if these bones can live and he responds that God knows. God told Ezekiel to speak to these bones. He said that if they returned to the Word of God, they would not only come together, bone to bone and muscle to sinew, but that they would be covered in skin and given new life. As Ezekiel saw in his vision what this would be like, I imagine thousands of bones rustled and stirred out of the dirt and came together with snaps, rattles, and fleshy seals filling the air. A valley of death was suddenly filled with life to create a great army. 

This prophetic vision is meant for the Israelites and the promise that God will restore them through his Truth. The promise holds true for us that no matter how far gone we are, God can breathe life into anyone that trusts in Him. He’s the author and perfector of our lives. Only He has the ability to bring dead things to life. 

Discussion: 

1. What do you picture when you hear this story?

2. Why do you think God wanted Ezekiel to see these bones coming to life?

3. What do you feel when you imagine God bringing life back to them?

4. Why are we not afraid of these skeletons?

5. What does this teach us about who God is?

6. How does this point to Jesus?

7. What does this teach us about God’s love for us?

Ghosts

Ghosts. I don’t know, guys. God allowed an image of skeletons coming together to symbolize new life. He allowed it. When it comes to the idea of ghosts, there is usually a sense of fear, disorientation, or confusion along with them. God is loving and kind, not fearful and threatening. 

There is one account in 1 Samuel 28 where Saul lost his kingship and was being pursued by the Philistines, his enemy. He doesn’t trust God, even though he’s been given a clear answer. He seeks out a medium and asks her to call upon Samuel, who is dead. When Samuel arises and speaks, she seems surprised. Whether she wasn’t used to achieving these results or not, Samuel repeated his message from life and added on that Saul would be defeated. Many believe that God allowed it in order to get the message across to Saul. 

In Mark 6:49 Jesus walked on water and in Luke 24:37-40 He returned in His resurrected body. Both times His disciple believed He was a ghost. After His resurrection, they touched His hands and could feel the nail pierced wounds, which signified He was alive and not a spirit. The idea that seeing a ghost was a possibility to them has always stood out to me. However, it hasn’t been a necessary part of my spiritual walk to engage with the idea further.

God’s presence was stunning and beyond approach for Moses and Jesus was visible in His earthly form, but the Holy Spirit is not. The Bible describes Him as being poured into us (Titus 3:6), fills us up (Acts 4:31), and anoints us (1 John 2:27). Picture with me a carafe that is filled with fresh and clean water. So refreshing. Now imagine it being topped off with pond water. You wouldn’t drink from it unless you were desperate! So in the same way, we can focus our energy on the Spirit that offers life, not death. Truth, not lies. Beauty, not waste. My answer when it comes to ghosts is that God’s Holy Spirit can dwell in us when we choose to love and follow Him. 

Discussion:

1. In Saul’s story, he sees Samuel. Do you think God allowed it? Why?

2. On two separate occasions, the Disciples thought Jesus was a ghost. What would you think if you were them?

3. The Holy Spirit lives in us and influences the way we live. Can you think of some examples where that has happened in your life?

4. What does all of this tell us about God?

5. How can we trust God more when we feel afraid of unseen things?

Witches

I will say the least about this topic. The Bible tells us to avoid witchcraft. It is filled with verses that warn us to be either for or against God. This translation of 1 Corinthians 10:21-24 from The Message is LONG, but I love every bit of it:

“You can’t have it both ways, banqueting with the Master one day and slumming with demons the next. Besides, the Master won’t put up with it. He wants us—all or nothing. Do you think you can get off with anything less? Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well.”

Rather than focusing our energy on anyone in any practice that is in direct opposition to God, let’s point toward the heart of obedience. Just as I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole, I think it’s wise to be brief in our description and clear in what the Bible has to say.

Discussion:

1. What does the Bible say about loving God and loving things in the world?

2. Going back to 1 Samuel 28, what did God have to say about mediums (or psychics)?

3. Why does God want us to avoid people that engage in these practices?

4. What does God want us to do instead of seeking this sort of knowledge?

5. What does this tell us about who God is?

6. What does it tell us about who He wants us to be?

No Shame in Wondering

Curiosity is normal and should not be shut down or shamed. Consult with others before responding. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Ask God to show you ways that He can be glorified when challenging issues of any kind arise. This is just one of many! My kids are still young and I personally do not initiate these conversations with them. However, they have asked questions once or twice and I let them know that I’m not totally sure about ANY of it, but this is what the Bible has to say. Every time we point them back to the God, we train them to research and understand more about God through His Word.

Which Momster are You?

Lock your doors. Halloween is just around the corner and it’s time for spooky stories, trick or treating, and s’more marshmallows than you can shake a stick at. I know the holiday stirs up mixed feelings, but just for fun, let’s take a quiz. Which momster are you? Keep track of your selections and find out which inner ghoul describes you. 

1. When meeting new people, I:

  a. Have strong first impressions that easily change over time.

b. Jump in and let loose!

c. Try to be polite and match the mood of the room.

d. Am very quiet and take time to warm up.

2.  In my free time, I enjoy:

a. Doing activities that range from quiet and private to loud and rambunctious.

b. Lots of movement and activity.

c. Competitive sports, brain teasers, anything that pushes me ahead.

d. Quiet activities alone. 

3.  Others would describe my temper as:

a. Hot and cold. Hit or miss. Here and there.

b. Beast mode! Beware!

c. May appear heartless, but I think well-contained. 

d. All wrapped up and hard to read. 

4.  When I’m up against a challenge, I typically:

a. Feel confident or struggle with self-doubt, depending on circumstances. 

b. Can only take so much before I lose it.

c. Rack my brain for new ideas.  

d. Take it apart, layer by layer, and process the whole thing.

5. In dealing with anger, I might like to work on:

a. Balancing my emotions.

b. Having less explosive responses.

c. Being honest and sharing my heart with others.

d. Open up and express emotions freely.

You did it! Now let’s see how you scored! You may notice some of the answers had clues to what the different momsters would be.

Mostly A’s: Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

You’re a little bit of everything! Sweet and sassy, sugar and spice! You have big opinions and share them when it suits you. You don’t mean to be two-faced, but you have all the feels!

Mostly B’s: Shewolf

Girl, you hit beast mode like none other! You can be a lone wolf, but you mostly keep up with the pack. You are a force to be reckoned with and ain’t nobody wanna cross you. Needless to say, you’re the life of the party…until you get hangry or tired! 

Mostly C’s: Mombie

You may seem harmless and often appear as though you have it all together. The pressure to fit the mold is excruciating, but worth it to you. A moment of weakness could cost your reputation.

Mostly D’s: Mummy

A true introvert, you keep to yourself and it pains you to step outside of your shell…err wrapping…ummm tomb? The analogy dies here. You prefer the distance that wrapping up in your own life brings about, but it can be lonely and sometimes tiresome to hold it all in. You process your emotions at your pace, but there are very few people you would trust them with. 

So this quiz was just for fun. I mean, if you imagine talking about your temper and your weaknesses as being fun. I shared these momsters at a mom’s group several years ago and thought Halloween would be the ideal time to revive them! I want to talk about anger and if we’re going there, I want to lay it all out on the table.

Freedom From Anger

I’m joining a group of other writers this month and we’re focusing on freedom. I know it’s not July, Judy. I want to take this month to focus on freedom from perfection. I’m going to do my best to let it go right alongside you, so I’m excited to see where this challenge takes us. 

I know we don’t mean to be, but we are an angry bunch. We’re all elbows and knees when it comes to handling our emotions with grace. We all have our moments. There’s grace in trying again tomorrow, but coming up with new ways to handle old problems is not easy. Otherwise, we would just do it!

Let’s take a look at four different types of anger in people (these are not lined up with our momsters from up above:

1. Magnets: MY WAY or the highway (externalized)

2. Avoiders: Your way is just fine (internalized)

3. Compromisers: Let’s meet halfway (neutralized)

4. Diffusers: Seek Truth and reconciliation (finalized)

Oftentimes we stop at neutralizing strong emotions. We put out the fire and walk away as the smoke billows behind us. “Glad that’s over.” We may find ourselves repeatedly facing the same issues when putting an end to conflict is our main goal. When the goal of our confrontation is change, we are willing to go through the steps needed to find a healthy compromise. 

Before we look at those steps, what gets us fired up anyways? Lies, two-faced people, selfishness, wanting more than we have, people doing harm in the world. 

What gets God fired up? Evil, pride, troublemakers, lies, murder. 

The lists are pretty similar, wouldn’t you say? Chances are, most of us are looking to fight the same fight. We just have different ways of going about it. 

So what are the steps to confronting someone? 

1. Confront the person alone. Don’t allow time to pass for your anger to grow.

2. If they don’t listen and the issue persists, take one or two people with you next time.

3. If they still don’t listen, talk to someone at the church about resolving the issue.

4. If they continue to refuse resolution, let them go. You’ve treated them respectfully by following these steps but it’s time to create new boundaries to separate yourself from them.

I pulled and interpreted these steps from Matthew 18:15-17. I walked through these steps with a former friend and am sad to say I haven’t experienced resolution. I have, however experienced freedom from her lies, the damaging way she treated her kids, and the lack of boundaries she possessed around other men, mainly husbands. I hate the idea of bailing on a friend, but my boundaries were so tight to protect my husband and kiddos from anymore negative encounters that there was very little left of the friendship. It wasn’t until recently I accepted that I had not bailed on her, but that she did not want me as a friend. There’s some freedom in knowing I did the best I could with a heart that was hardened beyond my control.

Timing is everything

While it’s important that our feelings do not fester, it is also important to consider our timing. I’m sure by now you’ve heard the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and it applies so well here. If you are any of these things, resolve that need before approaching the other person. Nothing like a full stomach and a good night’s rest before you let someone have it, am I right?

We need to be aware of the best timing for the other person, as well. I confronted my mom while her mom was in hospice and in hindsight, it was the worst thing I could have done. She couldn’t process all of it. I was so hot over the issue, but I didn’t receive the response I wanted because I didn’t seek out the best time to talk about the problem. 

Reduce anger in your life

So how do we tame the ‘tude? Here are 7 ways I think will help:

1. Focus on what is TRUE (truthful, respectful, uplifting, empathic) Philippians 4:8

2. Memorize Scripture on the topic 2 Corinthians 10:5, Romans 12:2

3. Express gratitude! Colossians 2:6,7

4. Pray like crazy Philippians 4:6

5. Recognize patterns and find a way to interrupt them 1 John 3:4

6. Seek wise counsel when your resources are exhausted

7. Be cautious the friends you keep Proverbs 22:24, 25:26, Matthew 7:6, John 2:24, 25

Every new day truly is an opportunity to start over and try again. Rest, refresh, and reset. You can do this. No matter what legacy of anger, bitterness, moodiness, or rage precedes you, it does NOT define you. Frankly, it does not suit you. I hope this helps. 

Recommended Resources:

• Podcasts

  • Andy Stanley (Your Move App) When God…

  • Chip Ingram (Overcoming emotions that destroy)

• Disappointment with God (Philip Yancey)

• Confronting without offending (Deborah Smith Pegues)

• The five languages of apology (Gary chapman & Jennifer Thomas)

• Lies women believe (Nancy leigh Demoss)

• Breaking the Divorce Cycle (John Trent, Ph.D.)

6 Ways to Overcome Fear

The last time we met, we stood at the gate. Our brave girl lifted the latch and faced her fear. We don’t know what was waiting for her on the other side of the fence, but we know that she needed to plant her feet firmly in the ground, guard her body, and arm herself for protection. What if I told you the resistance she experienced was more than a fear of change, moving out of comfort zones, or trying something new? What if instead of the wind rustling the leaves, a beady eyed foe was waiting for her in the shadows?

When I pictured the fence, I thought of 1 Peter 5:8 where we are told to be watchful because the devil prowls like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. I pictured him looking for a weakness in the fence. As someone that believes in what we can’t see, I feel this tension to be vulnerable but not frightening. However, I am struggling to make peace with the plans for my life and the expectations of my family. 

Since my return home from the She Speaks conference, I feel as though the needs of those around me have doubled. Each breath of life that went into my passion seemed to inflate and expand the needs of my husband and kids. I don’t have enough air in my lungs to fill all of these places. One by one, the ideas began to fade as though they were just a dream or plans for someone else’s story. I felt as though I was planting wisdom  and purpose, but growing challenges and discontent. I was planting truth and growing lies. It was frustrating and I allowed fear to slow me down in my personal growth. I know I’m not alone in this. 

I’ve known fear by many names throughout my life and it has always been one of the biggest motivators in my mediocrity. Worry, regret, uncertainty, anxiety, skepticism. I use it to avoid pain and disappointment. What if I fail? What if I’m criticized? What if I push people away? I can’t do this. The fear I have recently experienced is different, though. Much like the lion, it was pressing in on me, not coming out of me.

In Part one, we explored homeostasis (or comfort zones) and making small adjustments, one at a time to gain the momentum to make a difference in your life. In Part two, we will acknowledge that resistance is outside our control, but there are ways for us to discern the best response to it. 

What if I told you that freedom is waiting on the other side of fear? Do you want to expose fear and eliminate its grip on you? There are six tools you can begin implementing in your life right now TODAY. 

What Works: 

Truth    Goodness    Peace    Hope    Restoration/Protection    Trusted Resource

You may recognize this list from Ephesians 6:10-17. They are described as the full armor of God and are incredibly helpful when facing resistance of many kinds. I listed them under synonyms NOT because God needs my help naming attributes. He does NOT. I love the parallel between what we’re looking for and what is being offered to us. As you read the following list and the verses attached, consider how each of these look in your own life. 

Truth / Belt of Truth

Believing in the authenticity of the Bible. Behaving with honesty and integrity. When we’re overpowered by lies, we use truth to disprove them and render them powerless. Our character matters and we become less trustworthy when our words and actions don’t line up.

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ”

Goodness / Breastplate of righteousness

We guard our hearts by seeking goodness in our lives. Righteousness is the result of loving, accepting, and following Jesus. True goodness is not about being likable or nice. It’s a result of turning away from evil and turning toward the things that show the world God’s goodness. 

Psalm 139:23, 24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!”

Peace / Feet ready with the Gospel of Peace

If I’m not standing firmly in peace, I will be easy to take down. The opposite of peace is divisiveness and two feet going in different directions will cause serious trouble for a body! We must not allow differences to prevent us from sharing the Gospel or living it out.

Ephesians 4:26, 27 “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Hope / The Shield of Faith 

We are hopeful and want to believe in the best for our lives. Having faith takes it to the next level, where our hope is grounded in what the Bible says and our experiences. Faith is choosing to remember the ways God has stepped in and proclaiming the promises that He will continue to do so. 

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Restoration/Protection / The Helmet of Salvation

In our brokenness, we are restored through relationship with Jesus and nothing can separate us from His love. We have impenetrable protection in Him. 

Romans 8:38, 39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Trusted resource / The Sword of the Spirit

The Bible provides all of the confidence we need when we face resistance. We see examples that still apply today. We see a storyline that is historically consistent and accurate. The authors are pretty average for the most part, but have extraordinary encounters that work together to paint a picture of the same God. Listen, I can’t even lead a Pinterest party and have everyone follow the instructions for a simple project without adding their flare or doing their thing. If these encounters were false, we would’ve seen at least a few outliers along the way. A book that is meant to guide and protect us is worth reading, memorizing, and sharing when the time is right. It is most definitely a great defense against whatever threat or uncertainty we face. 

2 Timothy 3:16, 17 “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Imagine our brave girl traveling out into the wild, far beyond civilization. The city lights are no longer able to dim the beauty of the night sky. There she finds a place where the stars appear to rip open the sky with colorful explosions. The vastness of the sky and the endless reach of the stars confirmed what she had believed all along. All of the time spent in the unknown was worth this moment of stillness and brilliance.

Stuck

She stepped out onto the cold grass, the frosted blades crunching underfoot. She could see the fence. The weathered boards were discolored and cracked with the imprints of old nails and tree knots. Rusty hinges held the gate firmly in place and for a moment she wondered if the door would open after all this time. 

The girl was able to make out the shape of trees swaying in the breeze, but otherwise had no idea what she would encounter upon crossing the fence. The thought made her chuckle. “Crossing the fence,” as if after all of this time it had become her warden or some malicious captor. Unfortunately there was some truth to it. 

As her foot fell across a branch and snapped, loudy echoing in the darkness. She waited. Was that a sigh? A growl? Was she imaginging things? Her heart pounded in opposition as she began to move again. “Do not fear” she breathed out in a whisper. She reached out shakily as the gate latch was within reach. It squeaked as she lifted it. Leaves began rustling on the other side and her heart nearly lept out of her chest. She thought it might be the wind until hot breath filled the air and dissipated quickly, like a ghost. She closed her eyes, braced herself, and opened the gate. 

How often do we face the unknown? Have you been immobilized by fear because you don’t know what will be waiting for you on the other side of the diagnosis, massive life change, unexpected challenge, or broken relationship? What about the changes you are choosing to implement on purpose? You feel stuck.

This is the part where I tell you to hustle, not give up on your dreams, and keep pushing forward. Sure. We could do that. But could we please talk about what the people around us are doing? I love a good transformation, complete with before and after pictures and a heartfelt testimonial. But if we pan out and see what’s going on beyond the photo…what will we see? Have we made any sacrifices or compromises to make the necessary changes? Has conflict bubbled to the surface as a result? How are our people taking it? Show me the piles of laundry, unwashed dishes, and family members adjusting to the change in balance. 

There are a number of support systems in place when an unexpected challenge upsets the system. You’re not likely to find a support group for people that have made positive modifications in their lives. You did it. You are doing it. What more do you need? We don’t expect the ripple effect that our choices will cause in the people around us. Conflict is stirred from deep within and washes out on the shore. There’s no ignoring it. You stirred it up and now you have to deal with it. Our choice to adjust will often result in a number of responses from our loved ones. 

One of the most common responses is homeostasis, which is simply resisting change. The family will struggle to maintain the current methods, even if they include unhealthy communication, inappropriate relationships, disciplinary weaknesses, or abuse (substance, physical, emotional, etc.). It is maddening. It is most confusing when one person is advancing and other family members appear to fall backward, retreating to their comfort zones. The attempt to improve oneself appears to cause others to regress and that can derail motivation and progress. No one wants to be the cause of the people around them “suffering.”  

I’m going to call this what it is so please don’t throw anything at me. Or the screen. It is enabling. If we allow necessary and healthy developments to be limited or brought to a hault by others’ protests, we are enabling that behavior to continue in future events. We are creating a pattern that will require greater effort to change later. It is possible, don’t get me wrong. Imagine learning a dance with specific choreography that you practice for months in advance. A week before the recital, the instructor recommends a change. It is possible to learn the new steps, but you have cognitive and muscle memory that are pretty attached to the original moves. You will need to concentrate that much harder during the recital, which is especially challenging because you now have stage fright, your parents are watching, your grandparents drove in from Timbuktu, and your best friend’s sibling (who happens to be adorable and one of your favorite people to talk to) is watching. 

This looks like a rabbit trail, but I promise it’s not. Life is not just one thing. It is not this one change and that one attempt to resist change. It is a combination of our expectations, others’ expectations for us, and our actual ability. That doesn’t make it impossible. Our motivation to improve some portion of our lives is admirable, but no better than good intentions if we don’t act on it. 

I often feel this tension in my life when we are moving from one season to another or I am adding something new. I like to keep busy because I’ve been bored before and as it turns out, it’s not for me. I’m also unwilling to abandon projects or skills when a new one comes along. I’m ride or die. That’s why I do my best to find ways to make it work for all of us so that it doesn’t become a burden or distract me from what really matters to me. I am stubborn, but I also believe it is unreasonable to believe that I don’t fit into my own life.

Are you facing some resistance in your life? What are some of the barriers before you? What do you fear on the other side? Let’s approach these things as we would the fence.

What works:

• No sudden movements. It’s wonderful that you’re establishing a goal and working toward it. Make small changes to avoid overwhelming yourself or others. Make small goals that are manageable. Be clear about what you need to do and prioritize your time to avoid burnout.

  (*If health or safety are a factor, take whatever steps are recommended by your providers)

• Explore motives. What is driving you to make this change? What brought this adjustment to your attention? Are you trying to be like someone else? Are you doing it for others’ approval? Who will benefit if you follow through on this? Who might experience sacrifices? What do you hope to gain?

• Create boundaries. Establish what you will or will not sacrifice in order to progress. This might require you to adjust your expectations, but you will have a clear picture of what you are capable of and what you are realistically working toward.

• Look for the positive. The world around you is most likely shifting because you have changed. The world around you most likely did not choose this. Applaud and encourage adaptability and accommodation when you see them! They are the unicorns at the end of the rainbow, friend! Or pot of gold if you’re basic. Just kidding. It can be both.

• Don’t forget where you came from. Look. It’s great that this is working for you and you should be proud of yourself. Just try not to forget 3 months ago when you were lamenting the changes you needed to make and didn’t know if you had it in you. Don’t forget the sacrifices you made. Don’t look for the trophy. Be present in the experience, pull others up around you, and take notes to face the next challenge with greater confidence.

• Make the right sacrifices. I’ve said this before, but be conscientious about the sacrifices you are making. If relationships that are important to you are suffering as a result of your new focus, take a look at what is filling your time. For me, writing is more important to me than watching TV. I’ll watch a couple shows with my husband because that’s what we enjoy, but my free time is limited. I need to spend it carefully.

• Remember the Titanic. I’m aware that at no point would you face an iceberg when approaching a fence. Got it. But let’s jump on the bandwagon and overuse this analogy anyways. Be patient with the people around you. What you see above the surface doesn’t tell you what is going on underneath. You’re using the wrong equipment if you evaluate what others are saying or doing through your perception, not theirs. There might be movement and change occurring deep in their heart, where you can’t see it. Pray for the people around you and be gentle with them if they adjust slowly to this new aspect of you. Oh and you’re gonna need a bigger boat. Or life boats. Plan on having more life boats. Just in case.

• Fear is a liar. This is my favorite part. I know we may differ on whether we were created or we erupted out of thin air in a massive explosion or perhaps you’re holding onto the caveman/monkey guy theory. Let’s agree on this. Our purpose is not to be driven away by fear. Our tagline is not written in cowardice. Fear will tell you that a wolf is on the other side when it is actually a fearful doe. Face fear with truth. Consider past successes, imagine yourself conquering the worst case scenario, let go of what you can’t control, and don’t allow fear to take root and choke you out. If you love God, pray to Him. Memorize Bible verses that will easily come to mind when you feel overwhelmed. Hold lies and negative thoughts captive and dismiss them. Second Timothy 1:7 says “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” That fear inside of you is not from Him. There is a need for fearful respect of Him, but let’s save that for another story. I believe He wants us to turn to Him and trust Him when we’re afraid, but I do not believe that He places that fear inside of us. He is the God of peace, restoration, faith, courage, strength. Not manipulation, fear, shame, guilt.

Resistance is normal (not futile). It’s a necessary function in a system. We build muscle mass through strength and resistance training. That pressure forces us to grow stronger or give up. We never move beyond the strength we have if we never push ourselves to go further. Thomas Jefferson said, “If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.”

Resistance can also be an indicator that we’ve gone too far. We may need to slow dow or adjust the changes we’re making to protect the “system.” Just like a strained muscle or torn ligament, we can go too far. We have our limits. When we ask ourselves the above questions about what works, we might find that other parts of our lives are being stretched beyond their limits. However, we are causing ourselves more work if our health, relationships, work, or personal interests suffer as a result of our new focus. Going too hard too fast may require rehabilitation later, ultimately slowing us down.

If you’re feeling stuck, make one small change. Take one small step. Move toward your goal carefully and with confidence. Be considerate of those around you. Keep going, even when it’s hard. How else will you find out what’s on the other side of the fence?

That's What He Said

I love movie quotes. I’m equally partial to shows, books, and podcasts. When a friend loves the same lines, we have the magic. We grow to love the characters so much that we’ll read about the real people behind them and share those details with each other. In a totally healthy, non-parasocial or celebrity worship syndrome sort of way.

I’M FINE.

I wouldn’t say I’ve hit “fan girl” status with the celebrities I love. I do occasionally have this dream that Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell ghost me so hard that I wake up sad in real time. I feel a little defeated, failing once again to lock down what would obviously be a lifelong friendship.

YA BLEW IT.

I’m not sure what’s going on in my subconscious. Some part of me really wants to win them over. I know them from their work and their instagram, with their smily face emoji children in tow. I don’t know them. Most importantly, they don’t know me. I am honestly fine with that, regardless of what my deepest and innermost private thoughts would tell you.

I think that’s what amazes me about the God I learn about in the Bible. In a culture submerged in power struggles, authoritative idealization, and hidden agendas, we meet a Creator that wants to be known. He didn’t create an owner’s manual because each life is so unique and unable to be duplicated. BUT He did provide a road map so that whatever detour you end up on, you can find your way back to the main path.

I mean, doesn’t that make sense? In the same way that we can’t parent each of our kiddos with the exact same methods, but we have a general outcome we’d like to see for each of them. It usually involves health, happiness, and a home of their own. Not our basement.

Taking a closer look at the “road map” (the Bible) involves trying to understand what it is saying, even when it seems inconsequential or minute. The words I might otherwise glaze over could be offering cultural context or themes that continue to exist today. Taking the time to understand these details often unveils such beautiful continuity.

I attended a study several months ago where we prayed the Scripture. We read one line at a time and prayed whatever came to mind. In this case, it didn’t need to include a commentary or the original text. It was so simple and organic the way they spoke to each of our hearts.

I knew this was something I wanted to share on the blog! Now that a new season is around the corner, it seems like the perfect time to get started. I’ve included free prayer cards for you to download and print for yourself. If you’d like to go one step further and laminate them, it appears you and I have the magic too.

These prayer cards can be used in a variety of ways. A verse a week, a day, or hourly. We all have our battles. Pray them over yourself, your family, your co-workers, your classmates, that guy that cut you off on the freeway. I chose verses for courage, kindness, patience, joy, and faith. The sixth card is to keep track of prayers and praises. You can download them when you subscribe to my site. (Sorry…not sorry.)

My hope is that you will experience these things as you pray them over your life. I also suspect the verses will take on different meanings as you face a variety of seasons and circumstances. Scripture is living and active. In this small selection of scripture, my greatest desire is that you will grow in faith because the work being done in you is not explainable or visible to the naked eye.

I know that may not sit well with everyone. Good. Test it and decide whether or not it has merit. In order for truth to hold up over time, it must be valid and reliable. Keep one eye open when something masquerades as truth but balks at a challenge. The only time people will hide things from you are 1. when they’re being dishonest and 2. when they’re planning your surprise party.

I have a wealth of useless knowledge in my head. I can recite more than half of Tommy Boy right here, right now. It may get a laugh, but it won’t cause you to contemplate life on a deeper level. Maybe it will. I’m not judging. My point is that along with Chris Farley quotes from the mid to late nineties (RIP, sweet prince), I can fill my mind with words that actually do have the power to encourage, enlighten, and even defend the rights of others in purposeful ways. Those are the quotes I most want to be known for. How about you?

Out of Favor

This isn't a food blog, but I'd love to share one of my favorite recipes with you. It still needs some tweaks, but I think you'll get the main idea.

Disaster

1 c. Criticism (can be substituted with doubt, distance, or relational strain)

1/2 c. Defensive (I use Prove Them Wrong, but any brand will work)

2 T. Changes in routine

2 T. Busy and Active

3 tsp. Parenthood (I mix 3 together here)

2 tsp. Lack of personal bubble (NoSpace is popular)

1/2 tsp. Uncertainty

Pinch of Sleep

Mix all of the ingredients together until a self-doubt peak forms. Cover and freeze overnight. Once thawed, can be reheated and served several times. It could also be used as an add-in to other recipes. Blend with Time to Think, Reading Scripture, Praying, Talking Out With a Friend, or Process What This All Means. Best served as a side.

I know. So corny. You immediately knew what I was doing, didn't you? Last week was extra challenging for me and I finally hit a wall. Not literally, although with my track record zero percent of you would be surprised. The one thing I'm "expected" to be great at right now is motherhood. When I'm not thriving...and I've sacrificed so much of me to be here...I feel like a failure.

When I read Just. You. Wait., Tricia talked about Christian meditation and it was the first time I really thought about the spiritual practice. She shared the difference between standard meditation, where you focus on your own presence, and Scriptural meditation where you are grounded in who God is and what He has done. I downloaded an app that combines biblical truth and traditional practices of thoughtfulness and relaxing the body. We've started to use it in our family as a way to combat anger, anxiety, and whatever difficult emotions we are facing.

Last week, I dealt with failure. I ugly cried my way through meditation while answering questions about the root of my sense of failure. Anytime I have faced a challenge, I can tell myself, "You haven't failed in the past. You won't fail now." But when it comes to relationships, I don't have a high success rate. That makes it easy to believe that I can fall out of favor with God, as well. The lie settles in my heart and I no longer feel "redeemed." I don't know why I allow time to pass for it to make a home there, but my shortcomings and imperfections make it easier to believe I should let it move in.

The app then went on to tell me to ask the Holy Spirit what He would want to say to me in that moment. I immediately felt the words "you are loved" over and over, as if they were being stamped all over my heart. I sort of thought I was saying the easy thing to myself, so I kept looking for the silence to hear other words. But "you are loved" was on repeat. Of course I knew it was true and it wasn't as elaborate as "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" but it was the reminder I needed.

The following day was another difficult morning and I wanted to go through a meditation session with the boys. We listened to "Longing" and I heard a verse in a new way that has stuck with me. The speaker brought up Eve not believing that she could trust God, and it occurred to me that the original sin was not exclusively about wanting more, but also about not trusting God's heart for us. Isn't that the sin we have on repeat? When we make choices, we don't always have faith that we can wait for Him. It's hard to believe that if we listen, He will speak. If He's disappointed, what if He distances Himself from me?

In our offenses with one another, we usually believe that the other person is not for us and does not have our best interest at heart. Most of the arguments I break up around here are rooted in the idea that everything their siblings do is to annoy them. It seems silly, but then I catch myself feeling the same way. It is easy to believe that we can fall out of favor with God when others question our motives or deem us unworthy of their time or love.

The kids and I ended up discussing how each of us could do a better job of not expecting the worst from one another or thinking we're out to "get" each other. We vowed to act like a team. We are going to work on remembering our part in both sides of an argument...respecting others' wishes and having grace with others' behaviors.

In my personal time with God, I've been reading the minor prophets. Yikes. What bad timing. Do you know how sometimes you're binging on Netflix and want to stop after the next episode, but it lands on a cliffhanger? So you watch the first part of the next episode until you can find a new place to stop in the middle of that? That's what it's like to read these chapters. Gloom and doom and consequences for sin. Then in the next chapter God will remind the people that He loves them and will redeem them still.

I don't think I'll continue in the minor prophets at this time, but I do get the rhythm of these chapters. Challenges, struggles, heartache, redemption. Failure, disappointment, fallout, redemption. Brokenness, sadness, loneliness, redemption. If history repeats itself, we can trust that there will always be room for redemption. That means that failure is not final. Disappointment does not have the last word. No offense outweighs the power of forgiveness.

Relationship Goals

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach a group of teen moms about healthy relationships. Teaching is my jam, y'all. I look at it as an opportunity to discuss hard topics, unearth hidden truths, and encourage others to consider new possibilities. I like a good challenge, so the difficult topics are some of my favorites.

I begin lesson prep the same way, every time...making a list on the back of a receipt, an envelope, or a scrap of cardboard. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to find paper. I listed what I believed to be the traits of resilient relationships and found a theme forming. I love a good theme. Digging deeper, I found that the same traits that are used to promote wellness in individuals could also apply to healthy relationships. In 1976, Bill Hettler designed the wellness model with six dimensions: physical, emotional, intelluctual, spiritual, occupational, and social. This model has changed over the years, but I love the idea of using these basic principles in a relationship "checkup." While our relationships are not responsible for our personal wellbeing, they should contribute to our overall wellness.

Before we get any further, it's important that we agree on one thing. Healthy relationships begin with healthy people. People that honor the golden rule, treating others the way they want to be treated. But also knowing that they have no control over the way others behave. Their behavior should not be used to manipulate or evoke a desired response from others. Healthy people create goals for themselves and believe they have the basic skills needed to grow and learn and achieve what is most important to them. This growth mindset also involves frequent check-ins to see what's working. This requires honesty and vulnerability. Finally, healthy people recognize the impact relationships have on their wellbeing.

I want you to picture an empty mason jar. That's you. Now consider what wellness currently looks like for you. I'd like you to read the descriptions for the six dimensions of wellness and imagine how much space they would take in the jar.

Physical: exercise, nutrition, sleep, avoiding harmful habits.

Emotional: Comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and the expression of those around you. Intellectual: Actively engaging with others, obtaining new information, developing ideas, understanding differing views.

Spiritual: Seeking purpose, meaning, and existence beyond our physical surroundings. Living in a way that's consistent with personal values and beliefs.

Occupational: Personal satisfaction of using and developing skills, abilities, and talents. Rewarding to contribute to something greater than oneself.

Social: Actively improving the world around through relational growth and contributing to your community. Not only seeking to limit conflict and division socially, but also seeking to care for the environment.

Imagine a jar with each of these dimensions being poured in, almost like layers of sediment or a pretty parfait. Draw a line between each one and show how much space they currently "fill" in your life. Now consider these questions:

Does one area get more attention than others?

Is this healthy and/or working for me?

Is there something that requires more of my time and energy?

Where do I need to make sacrifices in order to feel more balanced?

Have I been focusing more on the appearance of the jar than it's actual contents?

Now that we have a clear picture of you, let's dive into that relationship of yours. Are you ready?

How do healthy relationships encourage our wellbeing?

Promote growth: The very best relationships we will encounter will support the development of positive habits that promote wellness. Personal growth requires grit, resilience, hard work, and endurance. It's not promised to us. This can be confusing because physical growth occurs naturally and without us working for it. We provide the proper nutrition and care, but honestly it can still occur in the absence of these things. However, if we starve our lives of balance and personal achievements, we suffer from stagnancy, falling behind, or even great loss. A partner that believes you have or can develop the skills needed to achieve your goals is a keeper. The one that discourages personal growth often uses manipulation, control, and power struggles. You may need help deciding what will offset this imbalance.

Communication: Being able to discuss, share, and ask questions about various topics is crucial to personal and relational health. The goal is to know your partner and be known by him or her. Communication is a tool...not.a weapon. Healthy relationships allow us to share thoughts, ideas, and values openly and without judgment. If differing viewpoints have the potential to cause damage in your relationship, explore them further and with the help of mentors, counselors, or that wise couple you look up to.

Disagreements: My counselor friends and I are not impressed when you tell us you and your partner never "fight." I'm assuming we're not talking about throwing punches. Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship, so when someone tells me they do not disagree, I feel concerned and have a lot of questions. When people grow close to one another, their differences naturally become apparent and sometimes influence the relationship. Also, we make mistakes and hurt one another. That's normal, too.

A disagreement is an opportunity to "right" a wrong, understand the other person, share values/beliefs/expectations, and grow closer in the relationship. They do not involve violence of any kind, whether verbal or physical. Hitting, pushing, shoving, swearing, yelling, or any other forceful behavior is not helpful. Now the issue is about safety, respect, and personal boundaries. The original issue has been thrown off the table, further away from being resolved.

The issue is best resolved when both people feel that they’ve had a chance to share their part with the goal of helping the relationship, not tearing it down. Blame, shame, and accusations tear the relationship apart. Describe what you are feeling and how you are impacted by the other person’s behavior with the goal of understanding each other better, not getting the upper hand, winning the fight, or proving them wrong.

Consider the kids: This is where it gets messy. A handful of us are raising our kids with our partners and it's just plain hard at times. Some of us are raising kids with a partner that isn't involved. Some of us are doing it alone. Some of us are raising someone else's kids. Others are longing for kids while their partners are disinterested. A group is marked by the grief of infertility and navigating that road painfully and seemingly alone. People aren't themselves when they're grieving. Pain changes us. Many are single parents, forced by some loss to carry the load mostly alone.

The main point that I hope we all can agree on is this: healthy relationships are not at the sacrifice or cost to others. Especially not our kids. We are all juggling the things that are important to us. We all drop the ball in one way or another. The best advice I've received is to not drop the same ball twice in a row.

When children feel as though your time with them is optional, it can be damaging to your relationship with them as well as their ability to trust others. That’s a lot of responsibility, but consider the adults in your life and how your relationships with them impacted the way you trust others.

Boundaries: A boundary is a rule or limit that’s created to protect the individual and the relationship. It defines behavior toward one another and consequences for boundaries that are crossed. Boundaries are important to every part of our wellness. We need them to make decisions, create balance, and recognize what’s important to us. Sharing them honestly allows others to know our expectations. Many boundaries are based on values and life experiences. They are personal and different for everyone. It’s good to talk about them, but be aware of anyone that tries to persuade you to make changes that may be harmful to you, the relationship, or others.

Fit your life: A healthy relationship functions well with other relationships and in a variety of settings. For example, the relationship blends well with friends, family, or other social groups important to each individual. Life is full of transitions and changes. Healthy relationships will grow, change, and adapt during these times.

As a Whole: When someone values you as an individual, they accept the whole person. Your values, beliefs, standards, and dreams. Relationships grow best out of the places that mean the most to us. Shared interests, ideas, and values. Long-term relationships thrive on being able to do things together and enjoy different aspects of life.

As you imagine your relationship jar brimming with these things, in what ways are you thriving? What areas could use some work? Our jars are constantly filled and emptied and the contents rarely remain the same. Knowing who you are and what is most important to you will assist you in the process of carefully selecting the substance of your life.

Gathering Stones

“It’s hard, that season of so constantly belonging to people who need so endlessly.”

When I read these words, they resonated so deeply within me. B E L O N G I N G E N D L E S S L Y. They sort of sank as they hit the surface, the weight of them falling slowly and deliberately. I felt validated and understood in my desire to grow and become more. I belong to the people around me by day and I belong to my dreams by night. But just like Emmet in the Lego Movie, I’m like “Ammmm I just gooonnnnaaa keeeeep fallliiinnnnggg foooorrreeeeevvvveeerr?”

When I find that a word or statement is on repeat in my brain, I have to get out of the whirlpool. This isn’t resistance training. This isn’t a drill, people. I’m getting pulled UNDER. So I go back to the words that started this cycle, knowing that their impact means there is some truth that I need to work out in my heart.

Endlessly.

There it is. It doesn’t take long to land on that one.

“Constantly belonging to people who need so endlessly.”

The words ignite something else in me.

Resentment? How’d you get in here?

Frustration? No, it’s cool. This is my job.

ET CETERA.

Exhaustion? I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute…

I am savoring this season of motherhood and doing my best to be in the moment. Really. I’m also looking forward to whatever is coming next. I’ve had so many dreams over the years. It was easy when Brody was a baby to say, “I can’t wait until I have this time back to do what I want.” When Calvin was a baby, I thought, “I’m this much closer to that free time I’ve been dreaming about.” When we decided Wren was our last baby, I thought, “I’m almost there. I can’t wait to dig into that pile of dreams.” The funny thing about piles is that their contents grow less appealing over time. So now that the time is really almost here, I’m asking myself, “If it wasn’t worth it all this time, does it really matter now?”

While reading Just. You. Wait., Tricia Lott Williford’s newest book, I felt like my heart was being mentored. This woman has shared her story of loss, laughter, and loving again with such candor. Her words offered wisdom for this season and for those to come. They offered a reminder that our hope remains, life is a little bit ridiculous, and it’s okay to go after those big dreams that live in our hearts. So when I read the above quote, of belonging to people who need so endlessly, I felt the compassion of one who had traveled this road before. Isn’t that the sentiment we want and hope to have? We want the promise of nostalgia for a journey that is difficult, but not to be forgotten. We do not want to regret a heart that’s divided by multiple dreams. We want to see in the eyes of the moms that have gone before us that it was beautiful and worth it.

When I thought about this season I am in, it made me think of the infamous third chapter of Ecclesiastes where it says, “for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven“ in the first verse. In my mind, I kept coming back to “A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together.” I mean, I skipped right past a time to live and to die, to weep and to laugh, to mourn and to dance. You know, things I’ve actually experienced. So I thought more about these stones and I kept picturing this time with my kids as gathering stones. I wondered if casting them out symbolizesd letting go of hurt, allowing our kids to grow up and enter the world, or seeking the fulfillment of dreams. I studied the verse deeper and found that Biblical scholars have a variety of ideas about what this verse could mean. One person felt that these stones could represent building or tearing down an altar.

Without giving away the entire book, Tricia discussed altars in a way that fit so well with the way this verse was taking shape in my heart. She created an easy way to remember its meaning by saying, “An altar is a place to recall how we have been altered.” So as I meditated on this verse, gathering stones and casting them away, I imagined this season of motherhood as a place with many stones, varying in shape and size, that create a design unique to our family. Mothering small children is not a place to move past and get through. It is a monument, a landmark, a milestone, a memorial. This season is a stepping stone. The time to dwell in this season was pre-appointed and scheduled in advance. There is time, even for this.

It is also a place to provide an example of how identity forms. Our kids are watching and the way we spend our time not only shapes us, but their view of us, themselves, and the world around them. We are not neglecting them when we work, when we take time to grow or become stronger, and when we learn new things.

We live in Ohio, where seasons are a suggestion. Summer could be a time of playing outside, swimming, and sunshine. In our case, it is a time of rain, flooding (swimming not recommended), and gray skies. There’s a small chance it will snow.

I find that seasons of life are like this too! I’m mothering, housekeeping, and growing as a wife, sure. I’m also a Christ follower, daughter, friend, and artist. I’m not one thing in this season, either. Many of you are working, going to school, caregiving, starting something big or trying to minimize in the excess. You may feel like a snow storm in July, but that’s right where you need to be.

If you find that you’re experiencing similar feelings or are in the same season of caring for others while dreaming beyond, I recommend reading Just. You. Wait. Have patience as you attend delicately to the season of gathering. It will yield the fruit you are longing for in the seasons to come.

Divorcing Our Kids

As far as I’m concerned, there are two ways to learn new things. One is to enter the garden, grab the rake, and remove trash and debris until you get to the bottom of it. The other is to take a shortcut through the garden and step on the rake, smacking your entire face, and look around to figure out why you came this way in the first place.

I’ve taken a lot of rakes to the face. In studying creativity, the official terms for each would be deliberate and spontaneous. While those do have a ring to them, I think a rake to the face has a little more impact. Pun fully intended.

My recent rake to the face came while I was minding my own business, cutting veggies and listening to a book. I’m not sure what the author said or why it related, but I stopped the book and worked the thought out to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. Yup, it was still there. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up divorcing my own kids.

Put down the phone. You don’t need to call social services. My kids are fine. I mean, as much as expected. The thought caught me off guard. How awful. Also, how have I missed this? It was right in front of my face all along. In all my years of studying relationships, I had not pieced it together.

A great deal of my relational studies go back to John Gottman, a famous psychologist and researcher. He has an uncanny ability to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He and his wife Julie provide a plethora of resources to equip others to become "experts" in their own relationships. I read their books in the early years of marriage, studied their work in grad school, and trained under them for my license. Not only do they provide exercises to improve positive relational skills, but they also warn against what they call the four horsemen.

The Four Horsemen. These communication styles are damaging to relationships. Specifically marriages. It was upon thinking about the four deadly sins, the four steps to death, the four signs of the apocalypse (I’m just being dramatic now)…that I realized something. They relate to my relationship with my children, as well. If the four horsemen are a threat to my marriage, why am I not guarding myself against them in my parenting?

Now maybe you all had this figured out. Sending a slow clap your way. Honestly, there should be a ribbon for this sort of thing. However, please show a little grace to the rest of us. We may be a little slow on the uptake, but we mean well.

The Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. The most damning of these is contempt. That’s when it occurred to me that I respond to disobedience, rude behavior, and general bleh from my kids with some of these. It’s my job to train them up, prepare them for the world, correct them, and discourage negative behavior. How awful to think I have allowed such damaging devices to take space in my parenting tool belt.

As long as I’m on the “parenting job,” I’m going to need that belt to be filled with the right tools. I can remove unhelpful habits, but I need to replace them…otherwise I’m showing up to the job empty-handed. I’d like to walk through the four horsemen and find some solutions that might be more helpful and provide the results we would like to see.

What Works:

*Replace criticism. It attacks character, diminishes a person’s worth, and does not address specific issues. Instead, allow concern to drive the conversation. You are thinking, feeling, or observing something questionable. Own it. What impact does this have on you? Share this by using “I feel’ statements and expressing a positive outcome you’d like to see. Criticism shuts it down, while concern keeps the door open. Model a range of emotions appropriately and address how certain behaviors might affect your child, the family, or others. I believe parents should share their feelings openly, while of course having boundaries in place. Our children learn empathy from observing the way we handle life.

*Replace defensiveness. “Who do you think you are?” “You don't know what you're talking about!” “It’s not your place to decide!” Yikes. True, maybe. Helpful? Unlikely. Defensiveness causes us to lash out rather than taking criticism or understanding different perspectives. We are behaving like victims under attack. We are drawing the attention away from ourselves and onto the other person, sometimes even attacking them with our words.

What if we replace defensiveness with openness? Rather than rolling up like an armadillo with the issue at the center of our armor, what if we remain open, listen, and even choose silence before selecting our next words? What if there is some truth to the words being thrown at us? Children are incredibly insightful and while they may not have the social graces to say what we'd like to hear, they might be on to something. Listening gives our relationship an opportunity to grow while building their confidence in confronting others. We allow them to share insight with some success.

*Replace stonewalling. The silent treatment. Shutting down. Feeling flooded. Walls have their place in history, but not usually in our daily relationships. Often we add stones to the wall when we want as much distance between ourselves and conflict as possible. This is confusing for adults and even more so for kids. They want to know what to expect and in most cases would like to see the conflict come to an end. Even if they are responsible for the "situation," they are dependent on us and sometimes can be fearful of what a disconnect will look like. The high incidence of divorce in families makes children painfully aware of the possibility that a family may not remain intact.

Space is good, don't get me wrong. Many times, it is the solution to a heated topic that is going in circles. We've used timeouts with each of our kids and while they've hated them to varying degrees, they offered necessary respite. I've even benefited from them because sometimes in my anger and frustration, I need a break too. We're modeling the reality of limited patience and emotional reserves. Time outs can feel like stonewalling if they're unannounced, so be sure let them know it's time for a break and it's time to go to designated places. Our timeout zone is on the stairs, with serious offenses and tantrums landing them in their rooms. Let them know how long they'll be in a time out. You or a timer will "release" them. I like to ask my kids why they were in time out and what they plan on doing differently. As kids get older and the offenses are potentially greater, some issues need to be tabled and brought up at another time. Specific consequences related to the offense might be determined at this time. I'll be honest...I think I will still need a moment when our kids are older and my husband and I need time to discuss the consequences. It's okay if you don't have the answers. In the short term, you can decide what will promote safety, health, and appropriate expectations. It is important to offer solutions in the end because we want our children to know that no topic is off limits and we are seeking openness. The goal is to build a bridge, not a wall.

Replace contempt. Let's talk about this two-headed monster. Contempt is the most dangerous because it involves aggressive, verbal attacks. It includes name calling, shaming, and an overall intent to harm the other person. It is often categorized by disgust. Often it is used to belittle the other person and create a negative experience that will discourage them from making the same mistake again.

How many of us have used disgust to discourage negative behavior? I know I have. To be honest, this was the very first of the horsemen to cross my mind. Sometimes I'm so discouraged by one of my kid's behavior that I feel as though maybe my disapproval will be enough to help them change. No name calling, no verbal attacks. Yelling for sure. But my disgust hanging in the room like a black cloud attempting to choke out the things that don't belong (according to me).

So rather than using disgust to discourage negative behavior, I need to lean in and try to understand what is causing the behavior in the first place. Leaning in requires:

1. Stopping what I’m doing

2. Listening

3. Being patient

4. Showing grace, love, compassion, etc.

It means replacing contempt with connection.

Is the offense upsetting? absolutely. Does it require consequences? I bet it does. Are you human? Well now's not the time to say otherwise. Are you feeling a range of emotions that vary in intensity based on the situation? YES. I'm a big proponent of sharing your feelings honestly and at the appropriate time. Contempt is dangerous because it is a manipulative expression of emotions used to control someone else. When we choose connection instead of contempt, we feel empathy, have a greater understanding of the situation or the details around it, and have shown our investment in the relationship.

The idea is to take steps toward each other in the relationship, not away from each other. We will make mistakes, but it's important not to allow distance to grow between us.

It has taken me all week to write this, so I've made small changes here and there to experiment with the results. We aren't "fixed" and our problems haven't gone away. I think my middle son has tested me the most in the face of my changes. But I'm starting to notice the influence it has had on my oldest. A lot of times, I respond to him freaking out by shutting him down. I spray the proverbial hose on his fire. This week, I tried to remain calm, got down on his level, named some of the feelings I thought he was having, and did my best to validate what it must feel like to be him at that moment. You know, the things I was already supposed to be doing.

It should come as no surprise that he calmed down quicker, expressed his emotions more accurately (sadness rather than a shield of anger), and apologized for his outbursts. He was quick to cuddle and share his "I love you's" that are a little less frequent as he gets older. We connected because it wasn't about what I wanted, but what he needed. Now if only I can remember this, we'll be golden. I want a lifetime of this.

3 Steps to a Happy Marriage

If you could travel back in time, when would you choose? What moment would you want to relive? What would be your do-over? How would it change your life today?

Mine would be my wedding and honeymoon. I'd like to change it all, please. Knowing what I know now about the people we would become, I could go back and relax, enjoy the moments, and celebrate each one. If I couldn't convince my former self to elope and have a party when we got back (brilliant idea for any of you that aren't married yet), I would at least pare down the guest list and find ways to make it more unique and personal. I would ignore the critics, allow family members to carry the weight of their own problems (without my assistance), and dance until my feet couldn't hold me up anymore. I would hop on that plane to Tahiti, take a thousand more pictures of the bungalow and crystal blue waters, and stop Eva Longoria and Tony Parker to fan girl the heck out of them. I would take longer to wake up and snuggle more, quiet the fears that marriage is terrifying, and let go of the expectations that crippled my joy and contentment.

Thankfully the wedding doesn't make the marriage. We say that a lot now. I can honestly say that after 13 years, I really like my husband. Not all the time. I'm not a maniac. But we've battled through life by each other's side and I can safely say Wade is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder, puts up with me better, or loves me the way he does.

This hasn't always been the case. Like I said, not a maniac. We have struggled. When our firstborn was under a year, we went to our mentors and told them we thought our marriage was ending. I cried, he yelled, and they sat mostly in silence. They looked really disappointed in us and I interpreted their silence to mean all hope was lost. I'm sure they did offer hope and wisdom and probably remembered feeling something like it when their kids were young. We were just so tired, still very selfish, and grasping at straws to make this life look like what we both wanted it to be. Pretty standard first child stuff. This wasn't our first challenging time and it wouldn't be our last.

After years of me trying to extinguish the fire of conflict with hot air (aka defending myself, explaining my behavior, giving reasons for my part in problems, etc.), it only seemed to make it worse. Our styles of apology didn't line up. My husband felt invalidated and I felt trapped. I still get rattled when we disagree, but I also know it's going to happen and I can't control it. I try to stick with the topic and not let a pile form, which is pretty easy for both of us to do. Sometimes one of us laughs and it cuts the tension. Sometimes only one of us laughs and that does not cut the tension. He's the only person I know that bounces back from confrontation and doesn't let it wreck the relationship. He accepts my humanity.

So that's enough about us. You're here for 3 easy steps to a happy marriage. I get it. I say all of this because I know the toiling that goes into marriage. That's not a word you hear everyday...and I'm not sure I've ever successfully used it in a sentence (until now...boom), but I think it describes the union perfectly. Working hard, tirelessly, incessantly. Goodness, yes. We've tried so many things, read so many lists, exhausted our attempts to redeem a beautiful, glowing marriage. You may even scoff at the idea that something so complex could not be reduced to any 3 things. And to some degree, I would agree. But it's an awfully good start.

3 Steps:

1. Act justly/fairly

2. Love mercy/kindness

3. Walk humbly

These can be found in Micah 6:8. I know some of you are like, "Girl, I'm not reading that Bible" and I hear you. Really, I do! No pressure...be where you are...you do you. But I can't help it if a verse comes to mind, if the words line up and make the most sense to me. The chapter itself only amplifies my certainty that there's some truth here. You've felt that, right? You've read something and the words are stamped into your heart with such emphasis that you find yourself repeating them later.

I thought of this verse and how simply, but fully it stages our love toward one another. When I read the entire chapter, I found that the verses above were all about toiling and trying and failing and suffering and begging for some sort of solution. And the response was sort of like, "Hello? It's all pretty clear and laid out for you. Do these three things."

Life is HARD. No matter what value system you subscribe to...we are all suspeptible to hardships. The only thing we can control is how we respond to them. I have friends that have suffered in their marriages. I have heard stories about the failings and destruction in their lives. My heart has broken for the beautiful dreams that became nightmares for so many. After therapy, 12 step programs, in-patient treatment, incarceration, infidelity, isolation, and countless other offenses and attempts to heal long time wounds, most of those marriages have ended. In their shoes, I understand why someone had to leave. But many of us are in the stages before all of the destructive behavior and damaging habits.

So what do we do?

We can be fair to one another. Choose justice, which means having boundaries, behaving in a way that lines up with our values/morals/social codes. We hold each other accountable because otherwise, we are enabling one another.

We love mercy and kindness. We forgive each other with kindness and love. Not with a ledger in hand and a record of wrongs that require penance. We are compassionate and gracious, even when we have a case against the other person. We do this, not because it is what we're supposed to do...but because we love what it does for our heart and the relationship.

Walk humbly with God. I know. We're not all here. If you're still reading, even though you aren't here...thank you for hanging with it. I will always be for you. Choosing humility over pride will benefit your relationship. Absolutely. The full verse says walk humbly with your God and it has been my experience that allowing this leadership has shaped my heart in a way I can't do on my own. Humility requires submission, but not in a scary bondage sort of way. We submit to leadership, to guidance, to mentorship. Almost like a parent. We don't shrink away from the idea that children should submit to their parents, so it's easy to grasp (through that lens) what healthy submission can look like. So walking humbly with God tells me that my part is to let go of pride and His part is to hold me accountable to the best thing for my relationship with Him...and him. God and Wade. :) His best has always been better than my plans. So I've grown to prefer the humility that involves walking with him, rather than mustering up the sense to be humble and blindly find where that will go.

So there you have it. Three simple, but complex and difficult steps. It's a process. I can almost guarantee that the steps taken to implement these practices into any of your relationships will have a positive outcome. What will it hurt to try?

Trusting the Church

“You look like a loose woman out here.” The woman’s jaw dropped as the shock of this statement landed on her heart. It was laughable. She brushed away sweat with the back of her glove, tiny pieces of mulch freckling her forehead. She couldn’t tell if her cheeks grew red from embarassment or the summer heat sticking to her body under the oversized shirt and long pants.

“Excuse me?” She said, feeling as though she should have kept her distance from the youth pastor’s wife and her mother. The mother looked her up and down and continued.

“You represent our church when you’re out here. You’ll have to change.” She fired several rounds of questions, such as who authorized planting these flowers, who would pay for it, and a couple how-dare-she’s. The woman tried to reason with the mother, but there was no reason here. The pair drove a few feet away to the parrish and the woman could still feel her heart banging in her chest. This was crazy.

It wasn’t long before the elders of the church pulled into the church’s driveway, an unplanned meeting about to take place. As the men left, one of them stopped by the flowerbed as the woman carefully removed weeds and replaced them with flowers to add beauty and life.

“What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a meeting today.” She asked. He went on to tell her there was not. They were called in to discuss the soil-covered woman in front of the building, planting seeds of lust and obviously promising harlotry of many kinds to those that drove by. For all anyone really knew, she could have been the gardener.

This was, of course, not her first experience with legalism in the church. The youth pastor harbored much of the same resentment. In one service, he stood to publicly shame the woman’s husband after he had agreed to help the pastor with a mechanical issue and church purchase. In one sentence, the youth pastor called him brother, then said he could not be trusted because he was not a member. He stood to deny a man's advice because he wasn’t a member of the church. The woman brought her children to the church to pass out flyers and the man hired to shepherd them turned them away because of their inappropriate attire. Long shorts and loose fitting shirts. In one moment of pure humiliation, the woman’s daughter ran to her in church, tears streaming down her angry face. “Why do you make him so mad?” She screamed for all to hear. She went on to tell the woman that he had spent their time in youth group discussing the woman and her inappropriate attire. Her choice to wear pants sent him over the edge. Now that he brought her children into it, she was over it too.

The woman in this story is my mother. Little by little, my family stopped attending church together and altogether left to find a new church home. I cannot express the damage that was done inside those walls. This little church still remains, the youth pastor now leading the charge with his name on the sign my mom once took such care to clean and make look beautiful.

I prayed for salvation and I was baptized in that place, but I didn’t meet Jesus there. I remember growing up in the presence of this youth pastor, the awkward years of maturing and changing and feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. His eyes always met mine with such disgust. No matter what, disgust. I wasn't "saved" because I wanted to know God. I just wanted the ugliness to go away.

To be clear, I’m not here to investigate the motive for us to stay or to vilify the church. It wasn't my job then and it isn't now. I believe my job is to assess the damage and seek restoration. We cannot rewrite a story that has already been written, but we can use it to leverage the story we would like in the end.

Everytime I think of the word leverage, I picture my dad grabbing a long pipe and using it to undo an unmoving, tight fixture on the water heater. He told me he was leveraging his strength with the pipe and as that fixture loosened, the word was planted in my mind with an image of my dad's bear paws. When faced with an unmovable force, you bring out the big guns.

People may attempt to use us as the lever to get what they want, allowing the exertion of force to wear on us. A patsy comes to mind. Being on the other end of people like this can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Perhaps like this story, someone has used a lever of sorts to pry you loose. Your boundaries, your safety, your identity. In our weakened state, it is difficult to imagine moving on. Some do not and their loved ones bear the weight of losing them, emotionally or physically. The story does not have to end here. As long as truth exists, we do not have to live in a lie.

BUT GRACE

It wasn’t until years later when I went to college that I truly met Jesus. I was sitting in a sermon and the pastor began to tell a story about a gay man in the hospital that was dying after a long fight with AIDS. “Here we go,” I remember thinking. Sin, evil, hell. He was going to scare us right into heaven’s gate. I braced myself.

But he didn’t do it. Instead, he told us that he reached out and touched that man’s hand. I leaned in because this was new. He told us about praying with that man, how much God loved that man. He talked about grace…and it changed me.

I wanted to know that God. From that point forward, I sought God and was captivated by His presence. I grew in ways I had never experienced before and prayer became so meaningful to me. He answered prayers that were sometimes very simple and small. He reminded me of the needs of others and gave me wisdom to help others. He became real to me because reading His Bible changed my heart when pretending to be a "good Christian" and going through all the motions could not. My faith continued to have highs and lows, but this experience became a solid foundation for me to look back on and recall His goodness.

Since then, my husband and I have found a church that we love. It is our family. Members move away and schedules change, but this community taught me how to love and be loved. Our everyday lives feel normal in the presence of others that go through the same things. It has taken me some time to trust “the church” again, but that time has not been wasted. I'll admit, I still hesitate to participate in group events and studies. As I grow to trust those in leadership, I feel more comfortable and take it one step at a time. One very small step at a time. The foundation is built, brick by brick. This is our home. It deserves more than a footnote to a story largely consumed by a damaging place. BUT. That’s for another time.

I share this story because I know others have been damaged by “the church” or “Christians.” I put these in quotations because I want to be considered different or separate from them, but I know I have hurt people too. However, I still want to offer hope because God loves us immensely more than the thieves of this world would have us believe. But also, vengeance is His and somebody gonna get got. Solid burn. Until then, we can seek out what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). If we are being taught anything else, we need to figure out the next best step to grow in our faith. If a negative influence prevents us from doing so, then they have succeeded in stealing that from us.

What works

*Rooted in Truth. My husband and I sought a place that lined up with our values, offered mentorship from older couples that we trusted and looked up to, and relationships that remain some of the closest to this day. Sometimes a sermon is difficult to hear because it presses into my wounds and weaknesses. That’s conviction. Sometimes it might stretch me to wonder if I believe what is being taught, but that's good. It forces me to read the Bible, find a commentary, and really dig into what I believe to be true. I'll give you a hint...the deeper your desire to dig, usually the deeper the well that needs to be filled. When it comes to "other people's problems" (I'm so silly, really, to think this is a thing), I take it at face value and say "preach." When it comes to my teeny, tiny, not-so-bad sins like gossip, slander, or swearing (I love Jesus...but this mouth...), I can nod my head and sort of wince inwardly at the work that needs to be done. These are behavioral adjustments that can only truly be changed by character adjustments. Those are the ones that make me a little thirsty for the truth. If what is being taught does not line up with the Bible, it's time to move on.

*Prayer. Who are we praying to? In our case, directly to God. By way of Jesus' sacrifice. And with the assistance and inner stirring of the Holy Spirit. We believe in the Trinity and that anyone can communicate directly and without assistance. There are no special sayings, secret codes, or educational background needed to stand before the King.

*Faith, not works. This is where it got interesting. My husband and I grew up in strict religious backgrounds that were very works-oriented. Our values line up today and I have our history to thank for that. I'm not being sarcastic...we can usually find something good, even in hard circumstances. The idea that we grow in our faith and that is what shapes us, not a well-organized or neatly printed to-do list that spotlights the good deeds of any saint. We grow in our faith through relationship. Not squeezing our eyes closed and saying "I believe!" at the top of our lungs. This isn't Santa. The guidance is there if we choose to take the outstretched hand before us.

*Forgiveness. It's hard for me to believe some churches don't emphasize this, but we believe the cross is powerful enough to cover any sin. We choose to forgive, no matter how many times we have to lay down the offense and ask for help in letting it go. This does not always mean reconciliation and restoration. Our ability to forgive is planted within the faith that is growing deep in the soil of our hearts. The outcome is different in each relationship because we are still unique human beings with a unique human experience. Some feel called to face their offenders while others maintain solid boundaries. There is no formula or one-size-fits-all solution.

There is so much more. This is the I-know-we-don't-have-all-day-and-this-is-a-good-start version. Each of the above requires some practice on my part to block out the noise and seek what I've experienced to be true. At the end of the day, I am accountable for my own life and each of you for your own, as well. I want that to be a joyful thought, not a prison sentence! I step further away from influences that would say I am shameful and disgust God. I draw closer to those that say I am redeemed. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).

I hope you find encouragement in this. I have found that people fail repeatedly, myself included. I struggle with forgiveness, but I also struggle with being perfect. So to avoid a double standard, I have to find compassion and recognize that I don't know the full story that shaped other people's beliefs. I don't need them to behave in any particular way for me to go on about my business. I can acknowledge the impact on my life...and I can tell you this place shaped a lot of the fear and distrust I still have to logically walk myself out the door and away from. I can fish out the lie, replace it with truth, and not live in fear that was specific and situational.

Identity

When I pictured this blog, I thought to myself,

"Hey girl. Get some great shots of your work and put it out there! You’ve got this!! Let's see who we can encourage because you are ON POINT." I had this life coach sort of mentality and even I was annoyed at my optimism.

So then I started writing about what was working. Coolcoolcool. Bullet points so you don't get lost in a sea of success. A SEA. But to be super honest, I basically just found my footing. The holidays were ROUGH. I spent the month of January checking out and checking the boxes for what I thought things should look like. I really felt like a fake it til you make it mindset was going to bring me home. Nope. Not so.

I sort of lost track of who I am. Wife. Mom. Christian. Artist. Friend. Errr Homemaker. Ummm arti...I mean creative person. Counselor (but I'm not practicing...shhhhh). Trained counselor (that's better). Healthy woman. I mean mostly healthy. No, claim it. HEALTHY. All of these identities sort of bounce around and it's really difficult to decide what is most important right now. So I grab one out of a hat, well then I grab a bunch at once. I mean...I can multitask. Nopenopenope.

All of this work to determine my identity. After several spins on the hamster wheel, I found that I wasn't getting anywhere. And no less fluffy. (Like a hamster...see what I did there?) If I am able to fill so many roles, why is it becoming so difficult to figure out what I should be doing? Who am I supposed to be?

The answer was simple. All of it. Just kidding...it's complicated and always changing! I told another mom a couple weeks ago that balance for me is like a pie that has constantly changing slices. I immediately hated the analogy and realized how it shapes my thinking. The bigger one slice, the smaller another. No room for growth...it all has to "fit in the pan." And when a slice is removed, there's a gaping hole in its absence. That's not balance at all!

The more I thought about it, the more I picture the things that matter to me falling into rings. The center ring is my personal wellbeing and growth. Next is my marriage, then kiddos, relationships, and finally outside interests. There's no rhyme or reason to the traits I listed...I went with my gut and didn't overthink it. I tried not to repeat myself, but it was clear that many of the roles and values would be listed multiple times.

Each growing ring benefits from the development of rings beneath it. In my experience, the reverse is not true. Developing outer rings first and moving inward is less successful because we are shaping our roles and identity based on what others need from us. Always changing, adapting, molding, bending, breaking, building, tearing, falling, listening, watching, waiting. This may cause the inner rings to feel more like quicksand than a solid core.

This can be confusing because putting "first things first" or "majoring in the majors" means you may not have the time for things you'd like to be doing. It feels as though we're sacrificing a part of ourselves for the benefit of others. That's pie-shaped thinking. Growing in each of those rings only makes us stronger and able to offer more to each growing ring.

I find that the pressure to fit a mold is lifted when I base my decisions on the values and beliefs that are important to me. They aren't based on circumstances. I made commitments to my husband when I married him and my children when I brought them into the world. My friends and family have been so influential and crucial to our lives. Extracurriculars are important and do shape our identity. They should not be excluded from our lives. As the "outer layer," they are the culmination of what lies beneath (name of my first horror movie). We fill these roles as a result of...not in place of...our core being.

I started this blog with a very “outside in” mindset. I had goals for what I wanted it to look like and how I wanted to present myself. That was exhausting. Now what I really want is to show up...just as I am...and encourage women to know love, life, and Jesus. It takes courage to say that because being a maker is more universally flattering. Good thing I didn't make this decision based on my outer rings, huh? :)

Momradery

"It's a free country" my friend says for the third time, sitting back in her chair calmly and unphased by our kids' loud voices and flailing arms. "People can sit wherever they want." I laugh because we've now snaked together a series of tables that draw a distinct line in the coffee shop. You're either part of our craziness or you'll need to hit the road with that bagel. We don't do this as often as we'd like, but our kids have been together since the time they grew in our bellies. They excitedly huddle together and remember the things they've grown to love about each other. They also drive each other crazy, but we love each other too...so they need to deal.

"Who's bringing what?" My notifications show that I've missed 60 texts. SIXTY. I scroll through, holding the button down as new texts roll in and take me to the bottom. "Did you rent the boat? What time do we need to be there? Al, can you eat...? Can we ride together? Am I the only one wearing a bikini?" We work out the details of our annual boat day with anticipation. No kids or husbands, just wives. We will sit in the sun and laugh, tell stories, and share life's latest in the privacy of our very own vessel. We can say anything here. Ask anything. Offer everything. I love it so much.

There are a handful of women in my life that I have grown to appreciate for their willingness to go on adventures, speak truth with love, and laugh at the idiotic moments that occur daily in motherhood (and in general). Coffee dates, shopping trips, impromptu adventures, date night, girls' night, karaoke, and Mario Kart. It's an added bonus when our husbands are friends too, but what we have is so much more than a first wives' club.

To me, this is community. I call it momradery. Motherhood is fantastic and terrifying...and I wouldn't want to do it alone. These are my frontline comrades, my sisters in arms. The people I can count on when one of my kids disappears in a crowd, needs a bandaid, or wants to share a story (and they graciously listen). I look up to and learn from them often.

Our oldest and closest group of friends...specifically the coffeehouse taker and boating trip tribe...have been in our lives during the most influential and important changes of adulthood. Our identities changed drastically over the years as we transitioned through marriage, parenthood, faith, and countless other roles that wouldn't fit on one page. We were all adults when we met, but we matured in each other's presence. Not only have they fulfilled a longing for closeness in my life, but they've quenched a thirst that might otherwise leave me searching when I enter new situations.

Let me explain. Preschool, art camp, summer camp, new neighborhood, church, preschool, sports, school, counseling workshops, the gym. We're constantly surrounded by new people and the possibility for connection. Having close friends that I could count on made it easier to enter these situations without feeling like I needed to keep my eyes peeled for a new relationship. I know many people that are in that searching stage...and I know it can be exhausting. I applaud their courage and kindness as they reach out to others. Making friends as an adult can feel really strange sometimes. It can feel really discouraging, too.

Before these friends, we were in another group where we liked the people, but something wasn't fitting. I can't explain it. We were the last to have kids and I know they were anxious for us to understand what it's like to move into that stage of life. I don't know what we were like as the friends without kids, but we didn't babysit nearly enough and we probably had higher expectations about getting out than were realistic. Consider this my apology. When we had our first miscarriage, we felt like our membership had been revoked. Radio silence. We went through it alone and hurt, traveling uncharted and painful territory that was only amplified by how abandoned we felt. We grew apart...and by some precious gift met our now close friends and they became like family. We learned how to be friends with them.

I used to think we would be lucky to have just this one community and I felt very protective of it. But we've been so fortunate to create amazing friendships through church, school, our neighborhood, and sports. Sometimes, it just clicks and you know a relationship will work.

What works:

*Look within: To have a friend, be a friend. This was a game changer for me. When I considered the friend I'd become, I didn't like what I saw. It forced me to think about the things I enjoy in other people and grow the strengths I found in myself. Renewed faith and spiritual growth consistently lead to character development and endurance. There is a dark side to all of this, though. Mine is a people-pleaser. Such a liar. "You get more bees with honey." Sometimes you get stung multiple times in a row and wonder why you wasted your honey on these bees. Our expectations for a controlled outcome can result in greater disappointment. So be aware of your dark side, too. Consider your motives and your anticipated outcome. Then decide if it will be a mutually beneficial relationship.

*Boundaries: Do not underestimate the kindness shown in having boundaries. A boundary is a way of letting others know that we have our limits and some expectations for the way others treat us. They are not meant to control, coerce, or manipulate others. We prevent being over-extended and vulnerable to some potentially negative outcomes, all of which usually leads to bitterness and resentment.

*Differences: With healthy and open communication, different personality types provide such balance. Our friendships consist of introverts, extroverts, introverted extroverts, parents, college students, married without children, vaxxers, non-vaxxers, homeschoolers, private schoolers, public schoolers, tattoos, piercings, believers, atheists, agnostics, stay at home moms, working moms, etc. Our differences, coupled with our respect for one another, make it easier to understand different viewpoints with compassion and respect. In a way, we share common ground in the way we care for the relationship, go through similar stages and experiences, and laugh together at it all.

*Seasonal: We have been outsiders, insiders, friends that want more, friends that want less, and friends that have found it's just right. We have known the pain of wishing we could be a part of a connection that others have. We've felt the awkward disconnect from others wishing we were closer. Friendships that haven't taken off. Others ended. Quick and easy, slow and steady. My husband and I have known so many different seasons of friendship at this point. Having a strong friendship in our marriage made it easier to navigate each of them. Friendships can't be forced or faked.

I would love to hear what has worked for you!

The Girl With the Seeds

She ran as fast as she could, seeds spilling out of her hands as she leapt over stumps and ducked beneath branches. Her breath was heavy, but she could see the stable growing closer. As she burst through the door, she poured the seeds into an empty coffee can and quickly snapped on the lid. The young girl called to her father, overjoyed that she was able to bring back so many this time. She called his name and ran to him, the seeds ricocheting against the inside of the can. When she reached his arms, he hugged her tight and spun her around as the two laughed. This would help their family for years to come.

I love dropping into a story. I’m usually not paying attention at the beginning of a movie or a book. The writer is trying to introduce me to characters and set the scene, but I want to know what’s going on. I’ll figure out who they are later and I’ll decide for myself.

If you asked me a year ago what I would blog about, it would be this post. I know. I’m excited too. This is it. I didn’t lead with it because I wasn’t sure you were ready. But you’ve hung with me this long and I think we’re ready for it. I’ve been searching for the right words. Pausing to provide the proper emphasis. Getting acquainted with the way words fall together before I share it with you. It’s time.

The girl with the seeds…that’s me. I’ve collected them for some time now. Some were difficult to find and challenging to gather. Others were readily available and I could return as many times as I needed to find more. A precious few were painful, as I had to go through thickets and thorns to obtain them. The scars became a way of telling others where to find them, as they too had looked in the bristles and barbs. As prized as they are, there are plenty for everyone. I can return to these places and share them.

The seeds I carry are the truth. Life is full of them and they take many forms. No matter what anyone does, the truth does not change. I’ve grown to love that about it. Day and night, earth and sky, oxygen for our lungs and gravity for our feet. Sharks remain in the oceans and the earth remains on its axis. All over the world, people spend roughly nine months in the womb, progressing from cooing to moving, from smiling to speaking. We plant tomato seeds and do not expect to grow zucchini. We can count on that seed carrying just what it needs to be a tomato plant. The lilies in the fields are still beautiful and the sparrows haven’t taken on second jobs in a difficult economic climate. Expressions about the grass being greener or not seeing the forest for the trees are the result of a natural world that is easy to relate to and connect with. We learn about a chrysalis transforming into a butterfly and somewhere inside we might sense a twinge of hope that we too can change. I often tell friends it’s the “season” of life they’re in and they nod knowingly. We aren’t talking about the weather. The bitterness of winter, the regrowth of spring. It all holds true.

Truth is truth. It occurred to me over a year ago that idioms and analogies about the natural world contribute to my belief. The Bible says God is Truth and His Word remains. And you guys, it holds up. After all this time, we haven’t grown bored with beautiful things. The masterpieces of nature still take our breath away and we still bend down low to admire new life. The things it says will be hard are hard. The challenges people faced thousands of years ago are still here today. I’ve learned that the things we are called to avoid are not the blacklist of some killjoy Creator. They have natural consequences. They reduce joy and negatively impact our stories. The truth runs consistently through our creation because it was designed. How cool is that? It’s purposeful and well thought out. And we haven’t exploded yet, so we’ve got that going for us, too.

When asked, “What is the story you have to tell?” This is what came to mind. Our world is full of mistrust, miscommunication, misunderstandings. It can be lonely to feel that there’s not a solid place to land. I didn’t want you to miss it.

I could have left the seeds where I found them. I could have hidden them from others. I could have stopped gardening and growing and reaping and sowing for a simpler life. Perhaps. But I wouldn’t have the wild flowers, the blossoming trees, the fruit bearing branches, the smell of the earth, and the sweet smelling fragrance in this garden that’s grown. Of course I don’t want my life to be a coincidence or this skin I’m in to be the reaction of a billion rogue molecules. I’ve labored and toiled and laughed and lived in this skin. That alone has meaning, but I’ve watched as it all comes together. How others face similar things, how we can make sense of what we learn. How to some degree it works, considering our individuality and circumstances. Life may feel random and chaotic, like tiny explosions and bursts of light. But if you look closely, the same belt of Orion still lines up in the night sky. The big and little dipper take their place there, too. And the same star that guided Truth to a quiet stable one night long ago can light our path as we seek to find it, too.

Kindness, With Caution

For the month of love (or February, for those that celebrate Valentine's Day and call it quits), our focus has been on showing kindness. We are less than stellar with daily challenges, so I made the boys weekly challenges. Four weeks, three challenges each, one verse to connect to their hearts and change them forever. Obviously. My five year old has difficulty bringing his lunch bag home, bless his heart, so he's sort of just along for the ride. From what I've been told, my eight year old has been completing the tasks each week. He's motivated by how good it feels to show love and help others. At this point, that motivation works and is age appropriate.

This week is all about helping others. Of course it is. Do I have a feel-good story to go along with this theme that also highlights me as a person? Nope. This is the real deal, folks. I thought this blog would be funnier...did I mention that?

SO right at the beginning of our week to help others, I ran into a woman I've "known" for years and have tried to reach out to. We met in a public setting years ago when I saw that she was struggling, that her body was severely damaged, and she was different. The sort of thing that typically causes discomfort, but I felt really drawn to her. It's not my job to tell her story, but right away I learned that she had endured years of trauma and abuse. My heart broke for her. Each time after our first encounter, I would say hello and she would tell the story all over again. She constantly moved her body, even though each step was labored and her body was frail. I tried to help where I could, but I found that no matter how willing she was to move her body, she was not willing to move past that story. It now defined her. It consumed her. She went from saying that she trusted God and that He would sustain her to complete bitterness and disgust for others. As time went on, I started to avoid her in our familiar stomping grounds. Isn't that awful? I tried to help her in so many ways, to put myself in her shoes, to imagine what it would be like to feel so stuck. Out of fear, no doubt, she didn't want to change.

So here we are buying groceries, and she walks by. I honestly thought she was dead, it had been so long since our last encounter. Almost relieved that she was alive, I said her name and asked her how she was. She went on to say things were worse than they had ever been. There was an edge to her tone and I could tell anger was brewing. I looked her in the eye and asked, "What will it take for you to be safe?" I had given specific advice in the past, but people really do need to process change for themselves. She became angry and went on to tell me that people like me weren't helping and that we needed to get her out. I told her it was her life and she said no one would stand by her side. She walked away angry and I didn't know what to say.

I've thought about this incident a lot and hadn't intended to share it. I have mixed feelings about my encounters with this woman. My immediate reaction was that I had "failed" as a believer. That a "better Christian" would have been brave and carried her out of her life that was crumbling. I felt disappointed that all of my efforts meant nothing to her. I felt validating in maintaining boundaries with her. But most of all, I felt so sad for her. She really needs a friend. I bet at some point, it looked like that might be me.

I believe we should reach out to others, move past our comfort zones, and help those in need. My boundaries involved not taking the kids or myself into her dangerous environment, to shield their tiny ears from the horrific details of her life, and to generally guard my heart...whatever that means. I just know a shield was up. Do you know what boundary we needed the most? My honesty.

"I want to help you, but this is what it will look like..."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I'm the person that can help you."

"This is all I will be able to do."

”I don’t know if I can help you, but I can pray for you.”

I don't believe that anything is wasted, so I do feel that there was some purpose to our "relationship." I hope that question is ringing in her heart. "What will it take for you to be safe?" It has been my experience that when someone has a strong reaction to the words we use, it typically means we're getting close to the root of an issue. Someone that hasn't experienced "safety" for years on end would surely feel turned upside down. In counseling, we would often suggest making one small change. One small step away from an old habit is the first step to creating a new one.

I share this story with you to encourage you and challenge you as you reach out to others. Sometimes it's a couple bucks to a person on the side of the exit ramp. Other times, it is someone you see repeatedly. Our kindness is shown not only in reaching out, but considering the heart of the person on the other end of our “good will.” We cannot possibly know all that they are going through, but we can be clear in the ways we will be available to them and ultimately point them to Christ. We weren't meant to depend on one another in life. We are human and we will fail. And that's pretty standard. It was never up to us to carry the weight of the world.

Forgotten Stories

I had forgotten how much I love to write. When I was younger, I would make up stories to cope with stress or simply just to disappear into my own world. Daydreaming has always been my best defense against boredom.

I imagined and wrote so many stories over the years. One story continued. I wrote of a brother and sister escaping a house fire. It was set in the old west. I was pretty into Legends of the Fall and Brad Pitt and what not. Also, I may or may not have listened to the soundtrack while writing. Anyways. The siblings lost their parents and depended on one another as they did not know who else they could trust. I didn’t know it at the time, but this story encompassed so much of what I was feeling in my own family. My parents loved us and also had difficulty hiding their problems. Villains were clear in the story...people in life that I did not trust showed up here.

I shared this story for the first time in a creative writing class. The professor had just shared her own short story, which involved a fire. My classmates didn’t believe me when I said I had been writing this story over and over for years. They assumed it was unoriginal and yawned at the theme of fire. I remember feeling embarrassed and invalidated.

I stopped writing the story when my brother disappeared from my life. It was too painful to consider the story with just my heroine escaping the flames, with no one to trust and no one to turn to. The thought of finishing the story without him in it was unbearable. How on earth would she ever make it alone? The whole thing went up in flames.

Now that I am writing again, my heart is swelling with stories and the beauty of their meaning. I am filled with a love for truth that is woven into the fiber of our experiences.

Jesus was a storyteller. He introduced us to characters we could relate to, stories that seemed familiar, and themes that felt as though they were taken from the pages of our own book.

That story was important to me. It was a way to say, "Hey! I don't think we're doing okay here!" and "I'm not sure we should trust them." As a child, my voice was small. But in that story, I fought fire and stood tall against my enemies.

Tell the story. Write the truth. Be right where you are. Live passionately with the gifts you have been given. Recall a time where you were filled with life and consider what fueled you. It may have been as far back as childhood, when your cares were less. What cares are holding you back now? Tend to them. Where do you find healing? For me, it's always God. A different route, but always the same destination.

It is in our nature to tell stories, whether written or spoken. It is in our nature to be known. It is not in our nature to go up in flames.

Show Up

I woke up slowly, my body still tired from a restless night. After long moments of waking my mind and prying my eyes open, I sat up and realized he was gone. The bed beside me was cold and empty. I stood up abruptly and went to the closet. Suitcase gone. I sunk to the floor and held my head in my hands. I didn't know how long he would be gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Soon the baby was stirring and I had to go on about my day, earlier than usual but still too late. I knew I would see him again, but my heart ached all the same. Our lives had grown so chaotic and tiresome that somehow I completely missed our important date, our kisses on the hand, our ritual of one last glance, one long hug, and one long goodbye before the distance would fall into place between us.

This. This is the feeling. Longing, loss, sadness, disappointment. There will be distance and you don't have the chance to say goodbye. Something special awaits, but somehow you missed it. I awoke with this feeling yesterday and it still haunts me. The story above is fictional, but captures what my heart felt early that morning. I try to spend the first moments of my day reading the Bible, a book on faith, and writing in my prayer journal. I sacrifice sleep to gain a perspective I cannot muster up on my own.

I looked at the clock and it was 5:30am. Still one full hour of sleep ahead of me and I really felt that I needed it. I felt this whisper in my heart, "Come with me." Not real words, no voice. Just this deep sense that if I got up and spent that time in prayer or devotion, I would find something there. It would be meaningful, special even. It felt important. So I bargained with God and went back to sleep. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the day began. I felt regret and somehow knew the time we would have wouldn't be the same. It didn't require the same sacrifice that it would have in the dark, early hours.

My daughter woke up a full hour earlier than usual. I closed my book, cut short my time, and plunged into my daily roles without breaks. By the end of the day, I looked at my husband and said "Do you know what I could've used today? One hour more. Just one." I have felt that way before and I will feel it again. But. The One who knows me and knows what is in store for me...called me. Our time together is important, our ritual of listening and sharing, understanding more fully and falling in love with new discoveries about one another. Err my new discoveries because He already knows me. As I have drawn closer to Him in these past few weeks, His heart is made known to me. My heart is made known to me. You guys don't want me without Jesus, TRUST. The passion for life and people is intoxicating.

I ask God to speak clearly and to show up. But am I listening? And do I show up? I am postured for readiness, but my eyes are distracted and elsewhere. How many times have I missed this whisper? This gate to the secret garden, this wardrobe to another land? I seek to be transported, and yet how often do I take the first step?

So I chose not to dwell. You can bet your sweet tush I got out of bed today and made that time happen. There is still a sense that perhaps I missed something, but I also have this new appreciation for who God is. For the mountains He will climb and the rivers He will cross to impact our lives. Ultimately, His provision astounds me. I may have made some new discovery yesterday...maybe I would have been handed the key to unlock the door called "What's Next" for me and felt clarity about the next stage of life. See why I was so disappointed? THAT was on the line. Possibly. However, He still provided a sense of urgency and a repentance that was born out of weakness. Two choices, one future. Nothing in the trash. Nothing wasted, nothing lost. Moving right along. Like a daughter that wants to please her Father, I am listening.

"Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Connect to Protect

I love looking back on a year. I often sort of feel as though I'm just along for the ride as a year unfolds and the days seem to just happen to us. Looking back gives me a chance to see how it wove together, creating beautiful patterns and our very own tapestry.

This year, I want to track our story a little more closely and with a bit more intentionality. Each week, I aim to set a goal, form a pattern, track progress. I'm not one to stick with things, so this has already been a challenge! But I'd rather not behave like a bystander. This year, #intention52 is my mantra and I want to remain present each step of the way.

So week one // We played more and it was honestly a lot of fun! Normally at this time of year, I'm preparing for a women's event that requires lots of running around and last minute prep. I said no to the event this year and I haven't looked back. I was able to enjoy the holidays with my family, finish projects around the house, and hang out with my kids. We played hide and seek with friends, tried out new games, and dove head on into the land of make believe. I still had to cook, clean, and fold laundry. I pretended that we have a cleaning staff, but we do not. BUT it was ok. We connected in the spurts of time that we were together and it made all of our hearts a little fuller. When we choose to connect, we actively protect what our family is building.

What works:

*Have fun. Just do it. You'll feel better, I promise. Find the things that you enjoy and share them with your kiddos. Suck it up and do the things that they enjoy, as well. Whenever the kids want me to make a stuffed animal or doll talk, I turn it into play therapy and select a topic that will subtly teach them to be better humans. I can't help myself.

*Take turns. Make sure everyone has an opportunity to choose what you will be doing. This might be a positive reward from desired behavior and that totally works. But we are all more likely to play along when we feel like our turn is coming up next!

*Take breaks. Sometimes my husband played, sometimes I did. Sometimes we all did our own thing. It wasn't planned or discussed ahead of time. Having time to ourselves made it easier to connect because our personal little tanks were topped off.

*Be patient. The kids will still argue, you will still feel annoyed, overwhelmed, tired, etc. Your partner will feel like a roommate or colleague. Toys will break, dinner will be a bust, and the laundry will still need washed. And those dishes. Who invited them anyways? They are EVERYWHERE. But impatience will speed up your heart rate and intensify all of it. Anger, frustration, disappointment. They will establish expectations that will let you down and leave you feeling ravished. Acknowledge them, of course, because monsters are scariest in the dark. Then dethrone them because venting and dwelling do not solve problems. They retell the story and put it at the center of the day. Regroup and come back to it. It's okay to need a moment to yourself and it's okay to not have the answers on the spot. Be kind to yourself and to those around you because you're all figuring this out together. And you all want to look back on this story and love how it unfolded.