There's Something About Mary

Escaping the Trap of Toxic Productivity

“This food isn’t going to prepare itself,” Martha muttered in the kitchen. She clanged pans a little louder than necessary as a group of people gathered around Jesus in the next room.

Peeking around the corner, she spotted her sister, Mary, sitting — uselessly, in Martha’s opinion — at the feet of Jesus.

Must be nice, she thought.

With every new guest that squeezed through the doorway, her frustration multiplied. Another mouth to feed. More water to draw. Less space for her — if she ever managed to sit down herself.

And why wasn’t Jesus saying anything?

As the water began to boil over the fire, so did Martha’s thoughts. Maybe Jesus would pause mid-teaching and say, “Mary, why don’t you help your sister?” Maybe He’d notice Martha’s service and say, “Thank you. I see what you’re doing.” After all, she was doing all this for Him.

But when she couldn’t hold it in any longer, Martha interrupted:

“Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-41)

Not exactly the response she was hoping for.

I have compassion for Martha. She was serving Jesus. She probably longed to be seen and appreciated. Maybe she feared what people would think if everything wasn’t perfect. Maybe her identity had always been wrapped up in being the responsible one.

But Jesus wasn’t after her performance. He was after her heart.

And Mary? Mary displayed something powerful too — boundaries. She could probably hear Martha banging around in the kitchen. She could probably feel the tension rising. But she stayed put. She prioritized presence over productivity.

She knew Jesus wasn’t impressed by hustle.

And neither is He now.

This story gets right to the heart of toxic productivity — the drive to prove our worth by what we do instead of who we are in Christ.

It’s that inner voice that whispers: → If I don’t do it, who will? → I can rest later. → I’ll be enough... when I finish this list.

But Jesus gently calls that voice out:

“You are worried and upset about many things... but only one thing is needed.”

If you’re wondering if toxic productivity has a grip on your heart, ask yourself:

• Do I tie my worth to what I accomplish?

• Do I secretly hope someone notices how hard I’m working?

• Do I get anxious when rest feels unproductive?

• Am I driven more by love... or by fear of failure?

The world may applaud hustle, but Jesus invites us to abide. (John 15:4)

The world may say "do more", but Jesus says "come to Me." (Matthew 11:28)

The world may reward perfection, but Jesus delights in presence. (Psalm 46:10 — “Be still and know that I am God.”)

Martha shows up again in Scripture — after her brother Lazarus dies. And again, she’s bold. Honest. Real. Jesus meets her right there in her grief and faith (John 11:21-27).

Because that’s who He is.

He loved Martha — in her service and in her striving. But He also loved her enough to remind her: Being with Me is better than performing for Me.

Your worth was never tied to your work. Your value was never measured by your productivity. You don’t have to earn your seat at His feet. It’s already yours.

Making Marriage Work

How did we get to this point? This is one of the most common questions I hear couples ask. It is heavy, as though it is hanging in the air between partners, shapeless and unresolved. They can usually recall what brought them to this point. Little choices, small things, minor infractions. Over time, each step became a lengthening stride at a quickening pace. By the time one partner turned to look for the other, they had grown faint in the distance.

Turning towards our partners is one of the most powerful things we can do in our relationships. We do this by taking the time to notice them, listening to their stories, looking them in the eye, and engaging with what they share. We call these attempts to connect “bids” for attention. They include all of the little ways you and your partner ask for attention, affection, and support. I often tell clients to image that each bid is an opportunity to take a step towards each other…or a step away.

When couples get into the habit of ignoring bids or responding in a way that doesn’t feel supportive, it feels as though a mile has grown between them. This figurative mile represents the distance that has expanded as a result of taking so many steps away from one another. This distance makes it difficult to pick up on bids to reconnect. Imagine standing on opposite ends of a football field from someone and trying to see their facial expressions or understand what they are saying.

Please notice that I said a football field and not the Grand Canyon, a fiery volcano, or some impossible chasm. It is possible to close the gap. What if I told you that you could start any time and that it could as simple as taking three easy steps? Put away your wallet…I’m not selling a solution here. I’m going to offer three choices that I can almost guarantee will NOT make your marriage worse AND will improve the way you relate to your partner. It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

1. The first step is simple. Are you paying attention? That’s literally it. Pay attention. Your spouse constantly makes small bids for connection—eye contact, a comment, a sigh, a touch. These bids can be subtle or direct—your job is to become aware of these cues.

2. Second, you will choose to engage. You have three choices—you can turn towards, away, or against your partner. Ignoring or dismissing bids will weaken your connection over time. Not responding is still responding, folks. When you choose to turn towards your partner, keep it simple. Smile, nod, or throw in a “tell me more.” Many people will ignore what they perceive to be a negative bid (i.e. sighing, eye-rolling, etc.), but we’re taking baby steps here. Are you able to remain curious about the need that is being communicated behind these behaviors?

3. Finally, build a habit of connection. Make it a priority to acknowledge each other when you say hello and goodbye—like a hug and a kiss. Create rituals that are meaningful to both of you, such as having coffee together, checking in, and having conversations without distractions (phones, TV, etc.). The more you turn towards each other, the more you will experience emotional safety and intimacy.

At the core, people are on an endless quest to be known and found worthy. This desire crosses all cultural lines and is not limited to any one belief system. Take a moment to consider how powerful that is—we all desire purpose and connection. Our marriages have the potential to heal old wounds, restore trust, and create new meaning. A thriving marriage won’t just change your relationship—it will change your life.

Book Signing Garden Party

It has been MONTHS since the book signing garden party! We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day in a perfect garden getaway at Bloom Hill Farms. Surrounded by perfect and fragrant flowers, I was able to thank friends and family for their support, sign books (of course), and take lots of pictures. I cannot put into words how much I appreciated those that showed up to celebrate this milestone with me. I don’t take it lightly that busy lives made time for this event.

To be honest, I wasn’t completely sure what to expect. There were quiet and slow moments as people arrived at different times. Some walked through the rows of flowers and others lined up to take pictures. It was a small enough group that I could write personal messages as I signed books and stopped to take pictures. We had a popcorn snack bar and chilled cider to wash it down. My mom helped me assemble handcrafted gift baskets for our guests, including hand-painted pumpkin mugs and candles. It was an incredible opportunity to pause and reflect with people I love.

My amazing friend and photographer, Kelly graciously took photos of everyone as they waited. You can sneak a peek by clicking the gallery button below. Thanks for stopping by!

Away from the Tree

“I want more.” It began as a whisper in my heart. I remember pushing it down, still reasonably aware of all we had been given. Adam squeezed my hand and looked knowingly into my eyes. Our thoughts were known to one another. We flowed as one stream, two rays of sun from the same ball of fire. He knew my heart and loved it as his own.

But that statement burned in me. I remember cupping fragrant flowers in my hands, looking into the eyes of the creatures and somehow knowing them too. The rhythm of the bubbling brooks matched my own heartbeat. We moved together  in the garden. “But there’s more.” My eyes were drawn to the tree that day. Away from the form of my husband, away from our Creator walking through the garden. What mystery was hidden in its fruit? 

It all happened so quickly. One choice and then another. In that moment, we were stripped of His glory, clothed now in shame.  I couldn’t look our Creator in the eye. I hung my head low as He told us the consequences. I could hear the ache in His tone, the way His gentle kindness now moved toward discipline and pain. He was heartbroken. What had we done?

As we left the garden, the clothing He had crafted felt itchy against my skin. It was nauseating to wear the skin of animals we had named and cared for. The Tree of Life grew faint in the distance as I forever said goodbye to this perfect place.

Adam walked at a pace ahead of me, no longer at my side. I wondered if he would ever forgive me. I could no longer read the expression in his eyes or know his thoughts. A chasm was placed between us and I knew then it was for always. Our feet fell hard against the jagged earth and our eyes squinted against the night sky. For the first time, the hair on my arms raised and I felt the chill of exposure in the night and the fear of uncertainty. Tears stung my eyes and stained my cheeks. 

The full weight of the lie was settling in and I could not turn back. The serpent had lied. This was death. Surely nothing could be worse than leaving our beautiful home and becoming strangers that labor and wander the earth.

Our story began in the garden. When I consider the roots of our broken identity, I think it’s important that we return to the tree. Our desires were born there. We were designed to live where rivers meet land in a garden that is no more. We were made to connect with our Creator, oversee the good of the earth, and develop uncomplicated relationships. I know in writing this fictional account of Adam and Eve, my heart aches for what was lost. Man’s outcome changed in the garden, but our intended design did not.

God wrote our story, wanting us to know our immense worth through Him. It was always meant to be a relationship, a love story. He designed us with a free will so that we could choose, but He never intended for us to experience the agony and separation of sin. When sin entered the picture, it damaged the relationship and caused natural consequences. I will warn you, this next part is a bit heavy. But please read to the end, because it always ends with hope and restoration!

First and foremost, our relationship with God was severed. Genesis 3:8 (WEB) tells us that “they heard Yahweh God's voice walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of Yahweh God.” Sin brings us shame and causes us to hide from God. Verse 19 tells us that we will return to dust. I imagine this consequence was painful to digest, going from God’s image to shapeless dust.

In Genesis 3:17, 18 we are told that the ground was cursed and man would laboriously grow food from it, amidst thorns and thistles. My undeveloped green thumb has been poked by these guys enough times to know that this punishment has made it difficult to grow the things I want in my landscape. The garden marriage was damaged, which is noted in verse 16, that our “desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” My understanding of this verse is that as wives we will want to make decisions and control our relationships and that men are the leaders and authority in our homes. This painful dynamic has led to abuse, neglect, and mismanaged households since the beginning of time. In verse 23 we see that they are banished from the garden, which is now guarded by armed cherubim.

Our broken relationship with our bodies began there, too. Genesis 3:16 says that “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. You will bear children in pain.” I believe this pain extends to the immense anguish and hardship of longing for children. We’ve known the sorrow of difficulty conceiving, complications during pregnancy, the worry that stillness brings and the discomfort of a swift kick to the ribs. We’ve mourned over the lives that didn’t join us. Those that did for too short of a time. It stirs me to even write this as I think of our pregnancies and those lives that I don’t know. The fall has made tombs of our bodies and we endure this excruciating consequence.

In 2 Corinthians 5:2,3 it says “we groan in these bodies, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.” This reminds me that Adam and Eve were not only aware of their nakedness, but the reality that they had been stripped of God’s glory and presence. The dissatisfaction we feel with our bodies began in the garden. The shame, disappointment, longing for something different. We may label it a weight problem or body dysmorphia, but truly we are longing for the weight of His glory.

Even still, our hope is not lost. Jesus is promised to us in the beginning. Genesis 3:14, 15 tell us the serpent was punished, being cursed to roam on its belly and eat dust for all of his days. In verse fifteen, it says “I will put hostility between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring. He will bruise your head, and you will bruise his heel.” This is the promise of Jesus. The Bible never swayed from this rescue plan. In Genesis 3:20, God clothed Adam and Eve in the skin of the first blood sacrifice. This imagery is powerful because He provided the first reckoning for sin. The practice of animal sacrifices was established in the garden.

You aren’t alone. God never meant for you to walk alone. He grieves for what was lost. Please read that again. I believe He grieves for those that are suffering and those that have returned to dust. He suffers with us in our broken bodies. Not one verse in the Bible says “when you are alone” because you simply aren’t. Whether or not you are walking with Him, He is there and able to protect you with peace and hope. Eternity with Him is a return to the original design. Uncomplicated, perfectly repaired, and complete union with Him.

In what way can this offer hope today?

Photo credit: Matt Boyle

One Small Change

When I was starting out as a counselor, I was struck by how frequently poor communication was at the root of many clients’ problems. Not only did time not heal old wounds, but it appeared to deepen the scar tissue. That tissue then limited mobility and was a constant reminder of painful memories that were not dealt with. This made it difficult to be honest, open, and genuine. I was familiar with this cycle before going into the field, but I was stunned by the prevalence of lost conversations. Have you experienced this in your relationships?

This cycle came to mind when I considered prayer. How often do we struggle with consistent and dedicated time with God? When it is a priority, does it ever feel stale or one-sided? Most of us would agree that our prayer lives go through seasons and just like all relationships, require a little more effort than we tend to give naturally.

My recommendation to clients? Make one small change. We would look at the cycle that had formed and find one place to jump out. When a new pattern developed, this boosted confidence and promoted continued transformation. It was a chain reaction! 

Romans 5:3-5 tells us that this chain reaction is part of our spiritual growth. Suffering for Christ leads to perseverance, which leads to character, which leads to hope. While we may not choose the suffering, we do accept responsibility for our response to it.

What would it look like to persevere in our prayer life? Make one small change the way we communicate. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Prayer is meant to be dynamic and unique. It’s not a magical smoke and light show, but over time it strengthens our faith. I experience this the most when multiple passages align with what I’m experiencing personally, which then lines up with the natural world. Truth is truth is truth. The consistency of God’s Word and life experiences drive me to want more. 

There are many ways to create a fulfilling prayer life. We can pray aloud or in a journal. We can belt out the words of our favorite worship songs and express gratitude in nature. When we are weighed down by trouble and don’t have the words, we can simply utter the name of Jesus. We demonstrate humility when we drop to our knees. When our goal is to draw close to Jesus right where we are, our response comes naturally and is usually fitting. 

One of my favorite ways to connect is to pray Scripture. I learned this practice from a Bible study and it changed the way I view prayer. We began with a Psalm, praying over each line of one chapter. By taking it line-by-line, I found myself expressing gratitude, praying for our country and other leaders, thanking God for blessings, and praying specifically for friends and family, all without prompting or following any set of rules. 

Hebrews 4:12 reminds us of this: “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” When we can’t find the words for ourselves, we can speak His Word. It is powerful and life changing! 

Where do we start? Many Bible studies or daily devotionals include a verse or short passage with the text. Try reading that Scripture and lifting up to God whatever comes to mind. This is a great way to deepen your understanding of what the Bible is telling you about God and what He expects from us as Christ followers. 

Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez

Tenderness Wins

The room fell silent. Jesus knelt with the wash basin, and for the first time I noticed the towel wrapped around His waist. He was dressed like a servant. My eyes darted back to the door and I realized that no one had greeted us to wash our feet. We were busy talking and dreaming about the Kingdom Jesus had promised. He talked about it daily and as His closest friends, we wondered where we would rank. 

My friend didn’t silence us. I’d seen Him flip a table and banish evil, so I knew He was fully capable. Instead, He lowered Himself and began washing each of our feet. In those last moments with Jesus, His example left an imprint on my heart. 

One thing stands out to me in the account of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet (John 13): His tenderness. His time was coming to an end. He could have easily rebuked His friends. Jesus, however, chose tenderness. He kept His eyes on the prize. 

I often have a different approach to perceived character flaws in others. I notice it the most with my husband and kids, but it comes up in other relationships. More often than not, my distaste for the negative traits outweighs my love for the heart that lives behind them.

Hebrews 12:2 compels us to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” The joy set before Him. Returning to His Father was a joyful event! He endured the cross because He knew eternity was on the other side of it. 

Jesus’s life was the beginning of a new era. He provided a lifetime of service, but what can we learn from His final moments with His disciples? 

• Timing is everything: Jesus washed the disciples’ feet just before the Passover Festival, a time of remembering the sacrifices necessary to be spared from the Angel of Death. His death on the cross would replace the need for future sacrifices.

• Tenderness wins: He served quietly and gently. He didn’t allow distractions in the room to prevent Him from serving and teaching His followers.

• Dress the part: Jesus was a King in servant’s clothing. He fully engaged in washing their feet and later he “put in his outer garments and resumed his place” (verse 12). There is a clear differentiation in roles, but a willingness to be present in each.

• Don’t overdo it: He didn’t wash their entire bodies or make a production of it. Jesus did what was necessary and established a practical and attainable example of servitude.

• Be honest and intentional: When He spoke to His disciples afterward, Jesus was clear that He wanted them to practice this in their own lives and be blessed for it. Jesus was also honest about those that would not obey Him and would even betray Him. He dealt with difficult circumstances without allowing them to become the focus.

• Raise the bar: He raised the bar, as He went on to command us to love one another as He had loved us (verse 34). Not as we have loved ourselves, which is instinctive. Jesus took it to the next level by dethroning self-preservation and replacing it with the selfless love of humble service.

What is one way you can respond to Jesus’s example in your own life? 

Photo credit: istock.com/urilux

The Gentle Call

“Come.”

The call stirs me in the early hours of the morning. My initial response is “Oh, thank you. But respectfully, not yet Lord.” I lie in bed and thank Him for the day, secretly hoping it will send me back to sleep.

This particular morning felt different. Many times when I’m tired and my sleep is interrupted, I feel anxious and spiral into thoughts of an exhausting day that I won’t be able to handle. In my mind, I seem to collapse like some 1950’s starlet who doesn’t have the “composition” for stress. 

But this morning, I noticed the calm. I experienced how peaceful His call is to me. It’s a gentle beckon, not a bellowing roar. He could easily send me spinning and pander to my anxiety by shouting, “Your day will be difficult without Me! You’re going to struggle so hard if you don’t spend time with Me! You’ll see!” 

Instead, my Father patiently calls me to rise up and respond to His call. He teaches me that having obedience in simple steps produces a steady walk of faith. He is redefining my meaning of rest. Much like He did with the woman at the well, God takes our persistent human needs and asks us to trust Him with a spiritual inheritance.

Joseph was called by God to a difficult task. He stood by Mary and bore the shame of her growing belly because he chose obedience to God’s call in his life. In verse 21, an angel told Joseph to name the baby Jesus “because he will save his people from their sins.” His people. Through the faithfulness of family members appointed by God, Jesus bridged the gap and made us family. 

What call is God placing on your life? What steps can you take in obedience? 1 John 4:18 tells us that “there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

Ask for His guidance as you consider the earthly desires you are afraid to surrender. Pastor Armstrong said, “The mission of God is not for the faint of heart.” Call out to God today. Isaiah 33:2 says, “Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.” As we replace our fear of the unknown with a respectful fear of God, we are granted the treasures of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge (Isaiah 33:5,6). How will you respond today?

Photo credit: Sandra Kaas

Redemption at Every Turn

As she walked through the market, the smell of perfume lifted in the breeze and reminded her of Him. She smiled to herself and thought of the day she met Jesus. It felt like a lifetime had passed since that dinner at Simon’s house. She shuddered at the memory of the room full of people staring at her. She shook it off and focused on the way Jesus forgave her. He told her she would be at peace. He mended her broken heart that day. 

This is how I envision a changed life for the woman that anointed Jesus with perfume and washed His feet with her tears in Luke 7. Before meeting her, Jesus healed a servant and raised a widow’s son from the dead. I often wonder what people’s lives were like after Jesus healed them. I imagine their faith developed easily in Jesus’s presence. His extraordinary measures of power and immediate relief would surely fuel a lifetime of gratitude, right? He offered second chances when he gave them sight, freed them from possession, or raised them from the dead. Before Him, many were ostracized in their conditions. Did they go on to earn a respectable living? Were relationships repaired and new connections formed? Did they share stories of Jesus wherever they went? What measure of grace did they have for those that were still lost and broken? When out of Jesus’s presence, did they struggle in their faith?

The truth is that all of us have sinned and fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23). Knowing Jesus does not result in perfect living. Our faith is built on more than Jesus removing a burden or healing a wound. We are transformed when we remember His faithfulness, repent with humility, and extend the same grace that has been given to us. 

In 2 Peter 1:12-20, Peter calls us to remember. He tells believers that he wants to refresh their memory as long as he lives so that they will pass it all along when he is gone. He spoke as an eyewitness to what Jesus had done. Peter also points readers to remember prophesies of what is to come. We have redemption at every turn when we choose to recall God’s faithfulness in the past, present, and future.

Acts 3:19 calls us to “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (NIV). Remorse is often accompanied by heavy feelings of regret, shame, or disappointment. When this leads to repentance, He frees us by washing it all away and refreshing us. It is as though sin dehydrates us to the point of misery until we call out to Him for fresh, cleansing water. 

We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves throughout the New Testament. While our rescue stories are different, our example of grace to others is part of the bigger story. Our goal is to glorify God. This feels impossible at times, doesn’t it? However, we are told that by walking with the Spirit we overcome the worldly desires that distract us. Our flesh is replaced by His fruit, which empowers us to love beyond our own abilities (Galatians 5:13-25).

While we have not met Jesus in the flesh, our faith develops in the way He renews and refreshes our lives. Isaiah 40:31 encourages us, “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (NIV). Our relationship with Him is renewed and we soar. We rise above and experience strength that does not fail. Rest in this truth today! 

Photo credit: Yana Hurska

At My Father's Table

“So I made friends with a priest,” my dad started with a laugh. He then told me about heckling a clergyman from another table who was also dining alone. They joined tables and my dad tried to convince him that there must be a Saint Neil somewhere. The priest assured him there was not.

When my dad went to pay, his new friend balked at the tip. “That’s too much!” he proclaimed. My dad went on to give the priest a lesson in generosity, explaining how poorly waitresses are paid and sometimes treated. He laid down more money and said, “That oughtta make it better!” The priest jokingly made change and said, “I’ll take the rest.” After a good laugh, the two men parted ways.

My love of storytelling falls directly from my dad. We like to skip past the pleasantries and get to the good stuff. If we’ve shared a belly laugh in the meantime, all the better. For us, it’s all about connecting over the encounters.

I love this story because I know how much my dad loves to break bread with all sorts of people. In his crew, you’ll find a collar in every hue—and language that is just as colorful. When I was a kid, we’d go to a hole-in-the-wall diner before heading into the lumber company. I mostly shuffled food around my plate while they laughed and shared stories. This loyal bunch still meets for breakfast every week.

When I think of Jesus and the way He told stories, I sometimes think of just this. He broke bread with all sorts of people and told stories. Of course, He arguably did so to share His Kingdom in a way that my dad did not, and that is where the two part ways.

Jesus had an earthly father who impacted his livelihood and the way He told stories. Jesus was likely taught how to make a yoke in Joseph’s workshop. He probably walked through fields as the oxen labored under the weight of the wooden structure. Most beautiful in any of Jesus’s stories are those of an adopted child. Jesus experienced firsthand not only the blessing of a loving adoptive father, but also the ache and longing for His Heavenly Father.

Even at his best, Joseph was a human who made mistakes, just like all of us. My dad and I have had a “Cat’s in the Cradle” sort of relationship for most of my life. For many years, I sought comfort in the lyrics of that song, as if knowing the outcome would somehow soften the blow. I embraced the story as prescriptive of our relationship, not descriptive of Harry Chapin’s.

Now, I think of Joel 2:25 where God says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” Let me tell you, we’ve had some infestations. We have recently worked to repair some of those eaten up places, and I feel like we’re just now getting to know each other. I feel as though I am finally listening, and rather than hearing someone who is trying to change me, I hear the words of someone who wants to protect me. How gracious is this gift of an imperfect dad who so uniquely reflects the love of my Heavenly Father.

As we consider the examples of fathers in life and in stories, I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned from my dad that I believe honor and shape the woman God wants me to be today:

1. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

2. Have the strongest handshake and look ‘em directly in the eyes.

3. Work hard to build something bigger than yourself.

4. Control your emotions so others will take you seriously.

5. Be generous when you can.

6. Colorful friends make a colorful life.

7. Follow the rules that matter, but make sure you have fun ,too.

8. Sometimes it’s better to be quiet.

9. Make friends wherever you go.

10. It’s never too late to make it right.

Our earthly fathers are not perfect, just as none of us are. How has your relationship with your dad, whether intact or detached, impacted the person you are today? Even in their absence, fathers shape what we believe about ourselves and others. How can we find ways to heal and grow in who our Heavenly Father wants us to be?

Trust in Him today and you will be amazed as, little by little, He brings life back into your lungs. Cling to this truth: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19).

Photo credit: Stefan Vladmirov

Long Time, No See!

Please feel free to wipe away the cobwebs as you enter this post. I know it has been a very long time since I've blogged or emailed. Sorry about that. I don't need to tell you that this past year has been a doozy. I didn't want to waste your time or flood your inbox until I had something to say. SO, ready or not...here we go!

Things are gonna change around here

First of all, you may notice the site has a new name and web link. For a number of reasons, I've decided to remove my full name from my content to maintain a level of privacy. I have a golden opportunity if and when I decide to rejoin my field of work. I am also navigating what our social media will look like. I honestly find it daunting to come up with social posts that go along with blog articles. While allowing others to see me genuinely, but not intimately. It’s a LOT.

That is one of the main reasons I stopped blogging. I was also feeling spread thin after moving into our newly built home and homeschooling the kids. Ten out of ten would NOT recommend. I put writing on the back burner while we navigated new territory and the world around us became...different. In the meantime, we dove into the work of making this house a home. Oh, and I became a chicken farmer. Or "Chicken Tender," as we say in the industry. I will continue to blog because I love to write and find truth in the world around me. Life on the farm has made that perspective that much richer and the story so much fuller.

Introducing Feather Green Fields

So without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you to Feather Green Fields! One goal I've had for our property is to maintain its agricultural contribution. What once was a hayfield has become a place for us to breathe deeply, sprawl out, and take it all in. I daydream about this becoming a place for others to stop on the way for fresh cut flowers, fragrant herbs, and a rainbow of eggs. Hence the name, Feather (chickens) Green (herbs and flowers) Fields (ummm…well, it once was a field).

In our short time here, I have experienced this transformation. I’ve been able to move from the pressure of creating to the beauty of cultivating. Now don’t get me wrong…makers gonna make…it is simply a different canvas. There are many blank walls to fill and little lives all around us to care for. There is always work to be done…and I love it!

What to expect

• The counselor in me will always want to provide input that will help improve your relationships.

• I’d love to share helpful tips from what I’ve learned on building and styling a home.

• I’m learning so much about sustainable living! I’ll pass along the best practices.

• Chickens. I give myself permission to speak freely here and offer lots of resources.

• Most importantly, I want to live out my faith honestly and vulnerably so that you might have a glimpse of God’s immense love.

Thanks for being here

My hope is that you’ll have plenty to find here. I am learning as I go, so pull up a chair and let’s do this thing.

Take This Cup

“Father. Everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me.”

Jesus was overwhelmed by sorrow as He prayed to His Father. Oncoming betrayal and unspeakable pain filled Him with agony. Dread flooded Him in tears and sweat. Everything was set in motion and quickly pressing in on Him. His friends slept nearby as He poured out His heart to God.

Over the years, Good Friday has been a time of reflection for me. I read through my journal to the many entries over the years. I’m not sure why I kept track of the weather, but it’s meaningful to look back now and see how it often matched the season of life I was experiencing. One year, the rain was refreshing and cleansing as I started a new chapter of my life. In another, I couldn’t see past the darkness and was crippled by my failings. There were many that I felt detached from God and didn’t believe He was good. As He began to restore my hope, I wrote this:

“I feel protected and loved. Instead of raining or cold winds today, it was warm and the sun broke through the clouds like hope into a deserted world. Things may continue to be hectic…or painful…or overwhelming. But hope is ever-present.”

I’m not one to quote myself. Honestly, who does that? These pages DO mark for me a stark difference between going my own way and trusting God in my life. As we experience dread and sorrow in the midst of this virus, I know more than ever how important it is to have hope.

When Jesus called out to God in the garden, He didn’t thank God for the cross He would bear.

He didn’t count it all joy or rejoice in that moment. He didn’t let his buddies off the hook for falling asleep while He was falling to the ground. He expressed his deep, intense longing for God to remove the pain and suffering from His story. All too often, we as Christians jump to verses about thanking God for trials (which we ARE called to do, but wait for it…) and pretend all is fine and hunky dory. I’m not a fine and hunky dory kinda girl. Instead, we are invited to be honest and bring it all before Him.

Jesus provided an example of pouring our hearts out to God.

He spent time in His despair. He didn’t rush it along or try to hide. He didn’t busy Himself with the disciples, finding other things to do. His Spirit was troubled and He cried out from the depths of His anguish. I know I’m really belaboring the point here…but here we are, facing our own season of waiting.

This Holy Week will come to an end tomorrow. Our happily ever after is found in Jesus conquering death. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if He didn’t follow His fear by saying, “Yet not what I will, but Your will be done.” He grieved for the cross, but He trusted God to use it to change the course of history. A friend pointed out recently that in John 17, Jesus prayed for us. “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me” (John 17:20, 21).. He followed through because He knew it would glorify God and rescue us. He prayed for protection, for faith, unity among people, and God’s glory in us.

The burden of the cross did not outweigh His love for us.

As we experience the distress of this cup we are holding, I encourage you to pour it all out before God. The depth of our sorrow is not overbearing for Him. The joy we feel in the midst of suffering is not by mistake. You can ask Him to take this cup…to protect you from harm. Jesus showed us the importance of accepting our suffering, as well. Jesus has restored us and our hope lies in the shadow of the cross.

When Life Hands You Lemons

Do you remember the Denzel Washington movie, Fallen from the late 90’s? I don’t want to give too much away because you’ve only had eighteen years to catch it, but the premise is that a demon is traveling from person to person by touch. The spreading evil changes people, pitting them against one another. It’s like a dark cloud is descending over Philadelphia and the detective (Washington) can’t move quickly enough to stop it. 

You guys. This thing we’re facing. Am I Denzel Washington? 

I’m kidding! Just needed a little laugh. This virus is not biased nor is it targeting anyone. So it’s not sinister in that sense. It is, however changing the way we look at each other. Have you noticed that? People avoid eye contact like it’s a mode of transmission. The strange interactions have caused my insides to twist uncomfortably as I make my way through the aisles. The anticipation alone keeps me up at night and my chest often feels like it’s being crushed by an invisible force. While I’ve never experienced a full blown panic attack, I’ve witnessed enough to know that I needed to get a handle on this. I’ve stepped up my coping game and wanted to share some tips that might be helpful for you.

Coping with Anxiety

Mindfulness is increasingly popular as anxiety becomes a regular part of daily living.  From imagining a place that brings you feelings of peace and calm to focusing on your breaths, filling your lungs and then your diaphragm. Breathing in the things that are bothering you, blowing them out forcefully. Prayer. While some of us are exhaling as life shifts gears and forces us to stay home, I have no doubt that anxiety and trauma-related symptoms will be the result of this recent pandemic.

But that doesn’t have to be frightening. Just enlightening. When you know what to expect, you’re better able to prepare yourself. We can choose to be present while disempowering negative emotions. Would you like to know my FAVORITE method of kicking panic to the curb?

Then count to 5. I’m a big fan of the 5-4-3-2-1- grounding technique. Check out how easy it is to implement and recall:

1. Look: look around and say aloud 5 things you can see

2. Feel: consider sensations-what are 4 things you feel right now? (i.e. warm blanket, hair on shoulders, clothes on body, etc.)

3. Listen: be still and silent-what are 3 things you can hear? (i.e. traffic, wind, birds, etc.)

4. Smell: what are 2 things you can smell? Move closer to objects in the room, if you’d like

5. Taste: what is 1 thing you can taste? If nothing currently, focus on some of your favorites

Do you know what engages all of these sense? Citrus! Orange, lemon, or lime…all are great ways to redirect your focus and reduce the effects of anxiety momentarily. It is absolutely important to address the underlying concerns at another time. In the meantime, you can see, hold, squish, smell, and taste citrus produce to engage your senses and disengage rising panic. Little rabbit trail…I first learned about this grounding method to assist people experiencing PTSD and flashbacks. That’s how powerful and all-encompassing anxiety and panic attacks have become! They carry the weight of massive trauma! When life hands you lemons, don’t just make lemonade. Grow a lemon tree, make lemon art, sing lemon songs…I think you get what I’m saying (right?). Keep your feet on the ground and remain engaged!

Faith for the Senses
I have no less than 5 book proposals swimming around in my mind, one of which is loosely titled “Faith for the Senses.” I don’t know…I’m open to suggestions. The basic gist is that God created our sensory needs and powerful emotions with a purpose and design in mind. We experience emotional grounding when we use our senses to be mindful of our surroundings. Why not allow our senses to promote spiritual grounding as we connect with God through them? Just for fun, let’s take a look at what that might look like. I’ve included a verse for each sense that could be memorized, prayed aloud, sung, journaled, or simply recited for comfort.

1. Look: Look for 5 things around for 5 things you’re thankful for. How do they show God has shown up in your life? Are there any clues of his faithfulness? What evidence of Him do you see in the natural world around you? Look at His promises to show His great love:

   “Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5, NIV 

2. Feel: What are 4 things you can touch that make you feel safe/loved right now? Shelter, clothing, a person, a pet, a soft blanket, a treasured gift, etc. Can you think of a time you’ve felt God’s protection in your life? Feel the confidence and security of His protection:

   “And you shall be secure and feel confident because there is hope; yes, you shall search about you, and you shall take your rest in safety.” Job 11:18, Amplified

3. Listen: What are 3 things you can hear? Can you hear anything from nature (birds, wind, rain, etc.)? Pray the below verse to Him and listen to your breaths going deeply in and then slowly out as you focus on listening. Psalm 107:29 tells us that He quiets the storm and and hushes the waves, which Jesus later went on to do. How can you listen for Him now? Listen for the things He wants to share with just you:

   “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3, NIV

4. Smell: Find 2 things you can smell. Perfume, oils, lotions, soaps, candles, fresh-washed towels, food, etc. You get the idea. Did God create any of these? What power does it take to design a world full of so many wonderful sights and smells? Jesus covered ALL OF THIS at the Cross. Just like a pleasant smell fills the lungs, so we fill God’s heart because of what Jesus did for us. His sacrifice made us a fragrant offering. Even as we’re scattered, He will be glorified by the sweetness we offer to the world.

   “And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:2, NIV

   “I will accept you as fragrant incense when I bring you out from the nations and gather you from the countries where you have been scattered, and I will be proved holy through you in the sight of the nations.” Ezekiel 20:41, NIV

5. Taste: What is one thing you taste? Could be the mint from your toothpaste or the sticky remains of an apple. If it’s puppy breath, then imagine tasting something you love that God has made. Consider the sour burst of a lemon or chocolate melting in your mouth. If you’re weird like me, you might think of the crunch of roasted Brussel sprouts or the feel of cold milk running down your throat. Anything to connect your senses to the bountiful sustenance of what He’s made. I sound like a Thanksgiving commercial from the early 40’s, but I mean it. ENGAGE.

   “Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8, NIV

NOW. Some of these are lengthy. I recommend using this technique at it’s basic level and building up the spiritual component when you’re not feeling the frenzy. Set them in place before you need them so that you know where to find them when you feel the panic growing. I can’t find my phone in my hand if I’m feeling unsettled, but putting it in the same place everyday would create the muscle memory I need to stay focused. Does that make sense? Our brain is a muscle! We need to exercise the parts that we want to grow.

Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” We are wired to overcome. We are neurologically capable of transformative thinking. We are made to thrive.

In Fallen, Washington’s character said “There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this... Sometimes you can feel such a moment coming. That's the test, or so I tell myself. I tell myself that at times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find.”

Well we’re about to step out on the other side of part two. What do we hope to find?

What it Means to be Human

Sometimes I imagine my kids are tiny aliens. There. The cat’s out of the bag. If you’re wondering what parenting hack I have for you today, this is it. I feel like I might need to explain this one.

Long story short, my love for John Cusack movies began in the late ‘80’s. I’m old, et cetera. Say Anything, Gross Pointe Blank, High Fidelity. His characters were among my favorites for his quick witted and calm deliveries. He had all the chill. Just before we started having kids, Martian Child came out and for me, made a lasting impression.

Cusack’s character is a science fiction writer that has lost his wife. He’s considering adopting a six year old boy that believes he’s a martian. You spend the majority of the movie wondering where they’ll go with this as the relationship between the two develops. The question subtly shifts from whether or not this is true to what all children need to thrive in our world. Cusack’s character, David says,

“Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human.”

Be still my heart. These words have resonated in my own parenting journey a thousand times. It’s easy to get caught up in narrow descriptions of children that eliminate their unique design and character. We begin to relate to them based on the stereotypes we’ve boxed them in. We essentially create limitations while at the same time feeling frustrated when they do not reach our expectations.

Do you remember how lonely it felt at times to be a kid? To feel misunderstood or unknown? I can recall the intensity of this feeling heightening when my parents didn’t get me. I didn't always feel as though I had a voice or one that was being heard. This quote struck me so deeply because I could relate to being the kid that feels that way.

One realization I’ve had as a parent is that I expect more of my kiddos than they are developmentally prepared to achieve. What’s worse? I’m not always modeling the skills I desire to see in them. Ouch. I often assume my kids understand 1. what I want from them and 2. how to make it happen. And we all know what happens when we assume.

What’s next?

I want you to imagine being the parent of this martian child. You have no way of knowing which planet he came from. That is, if you believe he truly is an alien. One by one, you are going to find ways to teach him what it means to be human. Our experiences from childhood shape the ways in which we present information. We each develop basic skills, some of which are strengths and some that require extra effort. These skills demand improvement well into adulthood! I’m describing executive functioning skills.

I attended a conference this week presented by one of the “Smart but Scattered” authors, Peg Dawson, EdD. I highly recommend this book to parents and educators. In my experience, it moved from the pressure to diagnoses, categorize, and simplify treatment for challenging kids to the specific skills needed to thrive. Period. For all humans, with all abilities.

While I know this is not new information, it is the perspective I need to move forward. I have a child with different needs and that requires a new approach. My heart has been weighed down by the idea that I don’t fully understand this kiddo or what s/he needs. I feel protective and am maintaining privacy because I know how hard it is to be different. My sweet little alien.

Executive Skills

Executive skills are described in varying lists, but for this purpose I will stick with “Smart but Scattered.” The following skills generally (but not always) develop in this order:

1. Response inhibition: think before you act

2. Working memory: retain information while completing other tasks

3. Emotional control: the ability to manage emotions to achieve goals/complete tasks

4. Flexibility: adaptability; revise plans (obstacles, setbacks, new information, mistakes)

5. Sustained attention: capable of maintaining attention, regardless of feeling tired/bored

6. Task initiation: begin projects in an efficient/timely fashion

These skills are foundational, meaning they are needed before advanced skills can be fully developed. As you read the above list, consider which skills are strengths for each of your children. Which of these skills require more attention? If we’re being honest, we not only see our children in those answers, but also our spouses and if we’re really honest, ourselves. We all struggle with some of these. Some of us struggle with all of these. This does not even include more advanced skills!

Advanced skills include the following:

1. Planning/prioritizing: the ability to create a plan to achieve goals

2. Organization: the ability to create and maintain systems to keep track of information/materials

3. Goal-directed persistence: the capacity to have a goal, follow it through to completion, and not be put off by competing interests.

4. Metacognition: the ability to take a step back and observe oneself in a situation; observe personal problem solving skills

Once again, most of us could list by name the family members that exhibit strength or require a little more effort. Our ability to recognize our own shortcomings is evidence of metacognition, which is advanced reasoning. There is room for growth and improvement at any age.

I felt overwhelmed

During the conference, I began to feel overwhelmed as I jotted down notes and found multiple needs before me…not just those of one child. I felt distracted for a moment when my phone dinged. The verse of the day popped up on my screen and read, “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things” from Colossians 3:2. I smiled and immediately thought of Psalm 139:14 where it says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I am confident that each of us is designed to be unique. Some of the weirdest people I know are fascinating and talented. I can exhale with relief as I place my child back in the Father’s hands, fully confident that He will care for their specific needs.

For a moment, I was caught up in the day-to-day, how will we get through this sort of mindset. How refreshing to remember that while the little things are important, ultimately I want each person in my family to 1. personally know Jesus and 2. exhibit character that is the result of that relationship. I know not everyone believes that way. I can tell you that even if we differ on this value, we can agree on one thing. There is a bigger picture that we want to focus on. Who is my child as a whole person?

Start HERE

The beautiful thing about developing an understanding of executive skills is that everyone will benefit from it. You will become self-aware, consider your partner’s needs, recognize your children’s developing skills, and cultivate empathy for the world around you. In order to begin the process, I’ve included a very simple chart. You can use this to assess which family members exhibit strengths and areas of improvement while providing examples to support this belief. You can make multiple copies and complete one form for each person. I would not recommend including your spouse in this chart unless you discuss it ahead of time or are willing to go there. On that note, I did include a space in the chart to list who exhibits these skills well. Modeling is one of the most effective ways of teaching these skills, so it’s important to recognize people in our network that can be helpful!

The next optional step is to rate each skill. Consider the examples you've given and where you notice them the most (at home, school, in public and frequency, intensity, etc.). You can rate them on a scale of 1-5 (1 least concern to 5 most concern). Once you review your answers, hopefully you’ll have a clear picture of which skills require more attention. There are a number of posts (especially on Pinterest) to help you with specific skill development. Here are some resources to get you started. Click an image below to go directly to the site.

If These Walls Could Speak

Howdy strangers. I know it feels like I’ve been ghosting you lately. It’s not you, it’s me. We are up to our necks in this home build project. I’m one of those crazy people that enjoys the selection process, although I do change my mind A LOT and right before it’s too late.

Before the foundation was laid, I knew there were things I would want to add to make our home unique. One idea stuck out to me: writing verses on the framework of our new walls. The really rulesy part of me wanted to monitor the selection of verses and ensure no one drew butts. That part of me doesn’t stand a chance in this family, so you can be sure there are both portraits of butts and obscure Bible verses gracing those halls. That doesn’t include the sharks, handprints, and countless other drawings and scribbles that will be hidden under drywall.

We waited for nice weather, but when it finally happened we were having a rough day. There were lots of arguments and I was frustrated with the kids. My husband was sick for over two weeks and out of commission, so I felt like I was carrying far too many loads to remain sane. I almost cancelled going to the house because my attitude and my actions were less than lovely that day. It felt hypocritical to run my mouth one moment and write Bible verses in the next.

In the midst of feeling torn, the words from “Do it Again” played in my mind. Your promise still stands, great is your faithfulness. I’m still in your hands. You’ve never failed me yet. It was a sweet reminder that even on my worst day (which this certainly was not), God hasn’t abandoned me. His Word is still true. It was the shift in perspective that I needed.

The kids ran from room to room, making sure no one came into “their room” as they hid words and drawings on the walls and floor. I was so thankful that we went for it and made time to do this. Many of their choices would not have been my own, but that’s what makes it unique to them. We each found words that meant something to us (or said cool things like “snake charmer” and “ax”) and claimed them in writing.

There’s no voodoo magic or hidden protection here. These reminders will disappear as soon as the drywall goes up, but they mark what we believe to be true. Just as the Word is hidden in our hearts, it will also be hidden beneath these walls.

We aren’t perfect. Not even close. But if we keep waiting for that to happen before claiming Truth, we’ll always be waiting. We’ll always be holding the pen but not making a mark. What sort of story will that tell?

Why I Still Go to Church

I’ve noticed a trend trickling into my social media over the course of the past year. Once I sensed the pattern forming, I began to wonder what influence others are experiencing in their lives. The bubble is popped and with some digging around, it’s easy to see this is a national issue.

People are leaving the church. But why? 

If I had to guess, people are dissatisfied with the growing divide between modern social issues and ancient biblical principles. As various practices made popular in our culture promise enlightenment, self-fulfillment, and openness, the church is pushed into a dark corner where it appears formidable and unyielding. 

On top of that, leaders in the church are stepping out and making bold statements that target specific groups. I’ve noticed the largest ripple effect from comments made about women. The content itself is not always the issue, but the delivery and tone are indicative of core issues. I experience the same uneasiness when a pastor lacks compassion and empathy in the difficult topics he presents. 

So why do we keep going?

In conversations with friends, there have been a lot of “buts.” That works for you, but. That might be true, but. Here are some of my responses to the biggest “buts” in the biz.

But you don’t have to go to be a Christian.

It’s true, you can maintain a relationship with Jesus on your own. You can read the Bible, listen to podcasts, get your worship on in the car, and pray without intervention. As a matter of fact, you can do any one of those any day of the week!  

BUT. In Hebrews 10:25 it says to spur one another on by “not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” The design for fellowship is bigger than we know, but it is something we are called to keep up in our spiritual walk. Do you see that it’s meant to develop our relationships with one another and build each other up? We pour into each others’ lives here. 

But it’s narrow-minded.

We are living in a post-truth era. That is so bizarre to me. I don’t understand how the justice system operates in this culture. The Bible is pretty straightforward when it comes to design, purpose, truth, and consequences. It directs us to love others as more than ourselves as our culture is telling us to put on our own oxygen mask first (figuratively speaking. In a plane, 100% on board with this). It’s all a little upside down, as far as modern society is concerned.

BUT. Proverbs 16:25 tells us that “there is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.” While the Bible may seem antiquated, if we look closely we can see that people are facing the same challenges that they did centuries ago. To be honest, I think of 1 Corinthians 3:19 quite a bit because it says the way of this world is foolishness. But thank God it’s not up to me to decide what is foolish and what is true. I can discern this for my own life, train my children, and encourage fellow believers, but for the rest of the world my goal is to point them to Christ. No special plan for each special trait or challenge. As the world is changing at a rapid rate, I cling to what is true and unchanging. The love and sacrifice of Jesus.

But they don’t allow women to lead.

Pish. Posh. That’s my response to that. Recent debates about women leading in the church have gotten pretty ugly. Male pastors have shown their allegiance through what they seem to think are subtle jabs, but the message is loud and clear. I don’t want to go on a tangent, so I’ll leave it at that. 

BUT. It has been my experience that there are plenty of opportunities to serve as a woman in the body of Christ. When we moved to a big church, one of my greatest fears was that there would be no place for me to serve. Ha! Church attendance does not automatically mean involvement. Long story short, I found opportunities to serve and use my abilities one step at a time. I started out by joining a mom’s group, then using my MFT license to speak occasionally. Once the word got out that I’m a maker, I began leading fun projects for the moms. Our director of women’s ministry, which I’d like to point out is a woman in a leadership role within the church, reached out and asked me to consider a creative ministry. This evolved into a large annual event and smaller workshops throughout the year. While this ministry is currently in the backseat, I am so thankful that I was invited and given the space to serve in unique and personal ways. Women are welcome here.  First Corinthians 12:4-11 indicates that there are a variety of gifts that we’re given, but one Spirit and a common good that they serve. God’s Word is written for the common good , not for conflict or division.

But I don’t like to sing.

Can I tell you a little secret? I love contemporary, indie, modern, and engaging music. Our worship has changed recently to include songs that topped the charts years ago, possibly decades. I rarely feel emotionally engaged in worship these days. Often a new song will throw me off and I feel like I’m spending most of the time trying to figure it out rather than getting lost in the words and lifting them up to God.

BUT. Our church has moved away from modern and fun to a deeper, more meaningful playlist. Often I’ll notice the words we sing are the theme in the message. I LOVE repeating stanzas that grow in intensity and feel like an anthem. BUT. That emotional experience is not a result of genuine connection or impactful content. It just feels good. Psalm 95:6 reminds us that worship is a time to bow down and kneel before our Maker. Our church is challenging us (or so I think) to move away from what feels good for us and moving us toward words that glorify God with intentionality. No smoke. No mirrors. No light show. 

But my kids are upset when I drop them off.

The results are in: two out of three of my children dislike going to church. For a solid year, we had to drag one child into class after he or she would scream and throw a fit and refuse to walk in. Super exciting stuff. Not at all embarrassing. Once hockey picked up and I found myself catching the sermons on podcasts rather than IRL, I sort of sighed with relief that we weren’t being forced to drag him in more regularly.

BUT. We face this with new things. Church, school, childcare at the gym, doctors’ offices, craft stores. We don’t avoid these places because our kids don’t like them. We may dread them, but we don’t avoid them. We continue to show up, wiping away tears and consoling our kids through meltdowns because it’s a part of growing up and developing as an individual that faces hard things. Third John 1:4 empowers us through these words: “I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth.” I may be dragging them now, but I pray constantly that they will walk in the Truth throughout their lives.

But I can read my Bible on my own.

This is true. And much like we talked about above, can be done any day of the week. We can choose what we study and when. We can read as little or as much as we want in a day. There are commentaries and countless resources online to understand the words, even in their original language and context. 

BUT. When we rely on our own time in study, we might close ourselves off to outside influence and conviction. Here’s an analogy. The mirror in my closet is super flattering. I don’t know what it is, but I usually feel good about the way I look. It’s not until I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window or a group photo that I realize “this girl got thick.” It catches me off guard because that mirror told me otherwise. In the same way, we can miss a larger message or content that stretches beyond our understanding if we don’t attend church. On my own, I might be avoiding the places I feel convicted. In more times than I can count, sermons have opened my eyes to places of resistance and I’ve sensed the nudge to make some changes in my personal life. 

But I don’t know anyone.

My love for church developed in a time that we were attending a small group with several of our beloved friends. We’d come in the building and start hugging away. It made the place feel small and familiar. One by one as time has gone on, those friends have moved away and whittled down to one family we know well. One hug. That’s not nearly enough to sustain me. We have several acquaintances, but it feels like starting over to dive into new places.

BUT. Church isn’t about the hugs. I know…I’m still wrapping my mind around that one. We’ve known flourishing seasons of fellowship, but they are just that. Seasons. It’s not about how it feels to be known, at least not by other people. We’re there to learn, grow, and rest in Truth. Oh and to hold hands in the pew because that’s the only time in the week that my husband and I will do that. Matthew 18:20 is a powerful reminder that “where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Even when we don’t feel connected to the people around us, God is good and I believe He honors the places we show up and do our best.

But I don’t always agree with the pastor.

Girl, please. Of course you don’t always agree. I don’t always agree with my husband, but I’m not going anywhere. Some sermons are difficult to sit through. From ill-equipped speakers to content that goes over our heads, there are a multitude of reasons a sermon may not hit home. 

BUT. Use these stirred up responses to dig a little deeper. Are you feeling convicted? What about the sermon is confusing? Issues with the speaker’s ability or distractions in the room can be overcome with focus and willpower. What is one thing to take away from this message? Just one. If the content disagrees with your belief system and after digging, you still don’t agree, it’s okay to talk to someone. Ask a trusted friend at the church or in some cases, you can go directly to the pastor. I have a sneaking suspicion that most will make office hours to discuss the Word further. If you have more questions, visit my post “Trusting the Church” to ask yourself about the concerns you are experiencing.

But I like to sleep in.

This is a real thing, people. I’ve thought it myself! With hockey being the very air we breathe, often Sunday mornings are the only break we experience.

BUT. WE ALL LIKE TO SLEEP IN. I can’t believe I included this. 

But it doesn’t always feel real.

I’ve felt this before. I’m going about my day and the thought will pop into my head, “What if none of this is real?” It’s deeply unsettling, isn’t it?

BUT. What if it is? Often times it does feel like fiction, but in my case I will scroll through my beliefs and the evidence that holds them up. I think of my faith experiences. There are too many coincidences for it not to be real. There are over 70 Bible verses about remembering who God is and what He’s done. Scripture is our reference to His character and Truth that remains consistent through the ages. If I’m wrong, I’ve lived by a moral code that I don’t regret and wouldn’t take back. If you’re wrong, what will that mean for you?

Brennan Manning hit the nail on the head years ago when he said “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” It takes courage to hold onto values the world deems outdated. It feels lonely at times. David shows us in Psalm 13:5, 6 that humble faith in the love of God is incredibly rewarding.

“But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

Photo credit: Robin Spielmann

One Door Closes

How many times have you heard the expression “when one door closes, another one opens”? Well-meaning friends want to soften the blow when you’ve been denied, passed over, or rejected in some way. It’s meant to refresh your perspective and encourage you not to give up. “There will be others,” they suggest as you sift through the remains of what you hoped was meant to be. They’re right and you know it. Of course you know it. But the thing about a door closing is that it often feels like a failure.

At this time last year, I began writing after walking away from a ministry project that I loved. For three years, I had the opportunity to offer a Pinterest-themed event to over 100 women. I enjoyed getting to know the creative and talented volunteers that made each event possible. I could sense that there would not be a fourth year before the decision was final, so I was not surprised when previous helpers said they were feeling called to take bigger steps in other ministries. I could have done it alone, but without a committee I was spread too thin. It took too much of a toll on me as a wife and mom. Even though I knew the decision was the right one, I struggled with feeling like I had failed as a leader.

This past summer, I was having lunch with a friend and we discussed this ministry. I told her how defeated I’d felt without a committed team. She went on to tell me that the weekend we were scheduled to have the event was the only date available for a prayer summit with a gifted speaker. When the door closed on my event, it was the exact space needed to open the door for this important ministry to take place. Her presence that day was pivotal. Honestly, it would have been pivotal on any day. I just can’t help but wonder if God allowed it to happen on the same day so that we would look back and feel encouraged by the way it all fell together.

I’m thinking of this as our now annual prayer event is quickly approaching. Women will gather and be enriched in a whole new way. We just don’t know what God is up to. As we pursue the good things set before us, we find that the doors left open often lead to a more meaningful connection with Him. In His grace, He uses our faithfulness to not only serve His Kingdom, but nourish the desire for purpose He’s nestled so deeply within us. It is His goodness and kindness that keeps us coming back for more, even after every closed door.

What are some of the results of a door closing in your life?

What's Your Word?

If you could think of one word to describe your hopes for the year ahead, what would it be?

My word is reconnect. I began last year with the word “fearless” in mind and started writing. In order for it to be more than a hobby, I’ve made sacrifices in my time to develop new skills. Not only did I struggle with new fears, but I learned the limits of my time and energy. I constantly felt like I was robbing Peter to pay Paul when it came to balancing it all. What does that even mean? I’ve asked myself that a lot lately, but I don’t have time to figure out if I’m using the saying the right way. You get the idea. 

I have felt so frustrated and overwhelmed by the less glamorous parts of parenthood. Getting ready for school, making lunches, doing homework, NOT having screen time, preparing meals that are boo’d before the even hit the plate, dogs that BARK, arguing kids, bedtime…the list goes ON. Your list goes on too, doesn’t it? My motto has been “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit,” but I’m not sure I like me as the unfun mom.

My goal for this year is to connect with my closest people in new ways. I don’t want to just get through the everyday stuff. The thought of trying new things does alert my brain to the possibility of failure. However, becoming fearless is not about waiting until you will do things perfectly; it’s about having courage even though things might not go as planned.

Will you join me in this? Let’s take the mundane and make it meaningful. It won’t cost a thing and with a little planning, can be done in the time we have. This year, let’s take our long list of “have to’s” and turn them into “want to’s.”

4 Things I Learned this Christmas

Have I ever told you about the Christmas when my dog went into heat? What a story that is. I mean it did just happen so it’s pretty fresh for me. It’s a real hoot.

This holiday break was going so well despite my husband being sick. We visited family, opened presents, and had time for some of our favorite traditions like making cookies and a gingerbread village. We even did our best to focus on what Jesus did for us and what His life meant to us. Real Hallmark material. Maybe I got cocky or said something like “this is our best year yet” because things took a real turn for us.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but apparently my pup is a woman now and doggie diapers are not readily available late into the evening on Christmas Day. Human pull-ups are not an appropriate substitute AND using the last one on your newly-mature-dog is ill-advised when your mostly-potty-trained daughter suddenly forgets that she’s wearing underwear. I went home with a baggie filled with soiled clothes, not all from one person. I won’t name names. When my son woke up sick today, I felt like I was done. I will ugly cry big, hot tears if we aren’t healthy by NYE and able to spend time with friends. Sounds selfish, no doubt. Just being honest, guys.

To think, I nearly put up a slightly different response to Christmas yesterday before the wheels came off, the other shoe dropped, and my pup’s PMS nearly derailed the whole operation. I was prepared to hit “POST” yesterday afternoon and wanted to add some final touches. S’cute.

Here’s the thing. Whatever this was added a new dimension to what I was trying to say. I really tried to pay attention, but I allowed the high speed mania of the season to rule my mind. I’d still like to share what I learned this month, full well knowing that I need to do a better job of storing it in my own heart. I’m also posting it now before an anvil falls out of the sky or a magnetic beam pulls my laptop out of reach. Hypothetically speaking.

1. Jesus was always the plan. It’s easy to see our world as a place that’s slowly deteriorating, but God has had a plan since the first fall in the Garden of Eden. I’ve always thought Genesis 3:15 was about our struggle with sin when it said “And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will crush your head, and you will strike His heel.” Jesus is the only one capable of crushing the head, though.  In “Advent: The Journey to Christmas,” the author says “Christmas marks the beginning of God’s process to restore our relationship with Him through a New Covenant.” In Isaiah 46:10, “I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.’” He knew the way the story would end, but He still wrote it anyway.

2. God isn’t surprised by our shortcomings. I’d like to piggyback on Isaiah 46:10 here and point out that God is omniscient, meaning all-knowing. Not only does He know what will happen before it does, but He also dropped clues for how to handle the mountain of what-if’s we will face. The Bible is a collection of experiences that we can relate to. It’s a story of grace, no matter who you are, where you come from, or what you’ve done. We can have faith in a Creator that didn’t give up when things were not easy. We can trust Him because He has loved us with an eternal love despite the mistakes He knew we would make.

3. Humility is a tool that shapes us, not a weapon used against us. I’ve put myself in Mary’s shoes many times, but never from the standpoint of a woman graciously rolling with the punches. I sympathize with her frustration, fear, or confusion at the many things that didn’t go as planned. I would have felt thwarted at every turn. I imagine all of this because there’s no account of Mary complaining to or questioning God. She chose instead to capture every memory like a precious treasure (Luke 2:19). I often feel like challenges are meant to tear me down and throw me off course. I confused humility with humiliation. Showing humility for the sake of honoring God is very different from experiencing shame or humiliation for choices we’ve made. Humiliation is meant to tear us down while humility prepares us to be filled up.

The humble nature of the nativity story shows us that God wants to relate to us and be attainable, rather than win us over with fame or nobility. It also shows the incredible outcome He can devise when we banish pride from our hearts. Mary chose to dwell on the presence of Jesus rather than the absence of earthly comforts.

4. God isn’t finished with you yet. Philippians 1:6 says “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” He didn’t bring you this far to leave you. He didn't send His Son to change His mind later. He did everything in His power to make sure Jesus carried out our rescue mission, sending angels, a star to guide people, and safe cover for Mary to give birth. Mary could have complained about the conditions or driven people away with a poor attitude. She chose to focus on the big picture, rather than the current conditions. She knew God was writing a bigger story and she was grateful to be a part of it.

I hope your Christmas found you making joyful memories. As life goes on and you face the hard stuff, I hope you break a part of the wall that keeps you from experiencing the fullness of God’s grace in your relationships. I think it’s good to give and receive gifts because celebrating Jesus is the perfect time to go big! May we also remember those in need as the year rolls on and a new one begins. I pray that as it says in Psalm 90:15 He will “make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble.” I hope this next chapter is even better than the last!

Signs of Life

“I call these signs of life,” my cousin Donna said as she delicately folded clothes at my baby shower. I leaned in to hear more, keenly aware of my daughter pressing against the inside of my broad belly. “Whenever I see a pile of laundry, dirty dishes, or socks on the floor, I call them signs of life.” These grace-filled words came from experience. 

Under rare and sudden circumstances, Donna lost two children at young ages. I was nine when Emily, my eleven year old cousin, passed away. Years later, Donna’s son Nathan passed away from the same condition around the same age. Her son that is now my age is the surviving member of the sibling group. I was too young to recognize the full impact these losses had on their family, but now as a parent I’m amazed by their resilience and ability to cope.

For Donna to view the daily monotony as a gift challenged me to take a look at my own perspective. I mean, if we’re looking for signs of life this place is HOPPING. Snack bowls EVERYWHERE. Clothes that missed the hamper. Other near misses that moms of boys (and some girls) are nodding their heads about. These are the things that add up and take me away from enjoying the little lives behind these messes. Is it possible that my attitude about these tasks is actually communicating negativity toward my kids? I’m thankful for these little lives, but do they know that?

Donna and her husband took time to grieve and as she describes it today, will always have a hole in their hearts. I can only imagine. However, they also made a choice to show up. They’ve celebrated each of our children and listen attentively to their little stories. Each year at Christmas, they greet children as Mr. and Mrs. Claus. They did not allow personal pain and suffering to shut them off from life. Their faith built on God’s peace rather than their own expectations.

I asked permission to share this story the week of Thanksgiving. Not only did our relationship deepen from the conversations we had, but she was able to share some stories with her grandson, as well. The door opened and we took time to remember. It occurred to me how important it is to invite people to remember, even when it won’t yield cheerful and celebratory shots you’d share on instagram. Some of the sweetest connections are captured by the heart, never to be seen by the world.

I don’t know where this story finds you, but I imagine you are preparing for the holiday by coordinating schedules, planning your meals, buying and sending gifts, and trying to fit Jesus into His own storyline. You're navigating complicated relationships and awkward dynamics. You’re practicing courage in the wake of loss. You want it all to be perfect because it is, after all the most wonderful time of the year. 

I could say these are the cost of living, but I don’t want to deplete your emotional bank account. Christmas is already burning a hole in our actual bank account. So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let it out. These are the signs of life. Our days are fuller when we extend ourselves to others. We can handle the chaos for a short while because for the most part, we have a roof over our head, people we love, work to do, and a world to explore. When we focus on what we have, not what we’ve lost, we find our glass is overflowing. Not half full or half empty. Spilling over. 

Jesus entered our hurting world to guide it toward a future complete in Him. Our Prince of Peace, which translates to leader of completeness (sar shalom), mends the places we can’t reach with peace we can’t fathom (Philippians 4:7). He offers signs of eternal life!  So we celebrate what we know is temporary, we remember what’s lost, and we hope for what’s to come! We grow stronger and more resilient as our faith develops and deepens in Him. I’m praying that this offers you hope this holiday season. Merry Christmas, friends! 

Do You Fight Fair?

We established in the last post that family is rolling into town and they’re bringing suitcases full of emotional baggage. So my advice to you? Allow others to carry the burden of expressing themselves in healthy ways. As my friend told me and I shared with you, rest on that. You do not have to solve the world’s problems today.

But. Butbutbut. You know when it’s time. You feel as though you’re going to EXPLODE if you don’t get to the bottom of this. Whatever is gong on appears to have taken a passive aggressive turn. Healthy expression is not happening here. Ignoring the problem is not your style. I see you. I’m right there with you. You want to see this problem resolved but it’s being branded as “drama” or an “attack.” You want to be honest but anything uncomfortable is swept quickly under the rug while everyone gets his alibi straight. “Well, I didn’t do anything.” “She shouldn’t be mad.” “It wasn’t my fault.” Sweep away. Unhealthy family traits do not go well on the mantle, so we brush them off and away.

The thing about that “rug” is that it’s LOADED with dirt. Our relationships are emotionally charged by our perceptions and experiences. Conflict is rarely ever the result of one dynamic. It’s usually a number of factors coming together and making a mess. Our perception is limited to the experiences we’ve witnessed or heard about, but rarely does anyone have the full picture or understanding of what is charging the issue.

So let’s have an honest conversation about confrontation. In my short time as a counselor, I learned things about people that I think might be helpful for you. I’ll go ahead and include the disclaimer here that I’m not an expert at keeping the peace, as I’m the reluctant member of more than one failing relationship. I’ve had some on site training in what not to do. For now, let’s take a look at what healthy confrontation involves.

Do You Fight Fair?

1. What’s in it for you? Consider your motives. How do you know it’s time to confront? What do you hope will change as a result of confronting the issue? Are you addressing a pattern of behavior or a character trait in another person? If it’s the latter, tread lightly. Seek wise counsel as to whether or not thi is something that 1. needs to be dealt with and 2. the most sensitive way to do so. Your approach will be influenced by what you perceive to be the root of the problem.

2. Timing is everything. When do you typically speak up: when you feel frustrated or when you are both calm? Do you take time to process what you’re experiencing or do you roll out, guns blazing? I’ve learned from experience that addressing an issue when you’re feeling frustrated is not typically beneficial or productive. It appears reactionary, rather than thought out. It’s important to find a time that works with each person involved so that no one feels bombarded or overwhelmed by heightened emotions. Anxiety about the confrontation can make the encounter just as unpleasant, but a pre-appointed time shows courtesy and a willingness to negotiate.

3. What’s your style? Do you know how you process information? Do you mull over thoughts and feelings internally, not entirely sure how to express them aloud? Or do you prefer to talk it out and vent to friends or family? If you’re an internal processor, give yourself time alone to dive into what you are experiencing. Other communication styles might interpret you as cold or indifferent, but it’s important that you are in tune with what you are feeling. If you’re an external processor, choose a mature friend as you seek wisdom. Venting is meant to process what is happening in this relationship, not rehearse what makes you right. Rehearsing heightens emotions while venting releases the pressure. I think wise counsel is important, so be sure to engage with a friend that won’t fuel your anger, build up a one-sided argument, or convince you that you are a victim (when you otherwise are not).

4. What has worked in the past? This is difficult, but put away the ledger. Think back to other times you have disagreed with this person. What has worked to resolve the issue(s)? What has been ineffective? Looking back is useful when we are aiming to repair our relationship, not replay our problems.

5. What’s your mantra? One of my number one recommendations is to develop a “mantra.” Especially in encounters that involve overpowering personalities or manipulative tactics. Break it down and consider this your title page. What does it all come down to? What is the one thing you most want to say? Narrowing down the issue gives it a name and allows it to take shape. This reduces the desire to present a list of offenses, which ultimately render us powerless and petty.

6. It’s go time. Address your thoughts and feelings without labeling the other person with names or traits. “ You are not building a case against the person, but resolving an issue with the behavior. Listen attentively and take turns. Acknowledge positive things and affirm that you want to repair the relationship. Own your part and ask for forgiveness. I recommend in person, if possible and on the phone as a last resort. Email and text are the places we hide behind when we don’t have the courage to say what we’re thinking and feeling. Without the presence of the person to ground us, we often will say everything we want to say, resulting in a one very large information dump.

7. What is one thing you’d like to see change moving forward? This is the question we ask. We’re building a bridge, not performing a magic trick. One change to promote growth, healing, and mutual respect in the relationship. No matter how small, our commitment to move towards one another will foster trust that change is possible.

8. Communication is down. Some relationships are not in a position to heal. They’re comatose. As a result of personal boundaries and issues, you may not have the opportunity to reconcile. I have struggled with this for years with my own estranged relationship. I spent far too long worrying that this relationship defined those with others and I felt doomed. It took a strengthened relationship in Christ and a focus on my faith to accept redemption, even in this broken place. I believe what Christ did on the cross can cover anything, including this. I also have to accept that we’re part of a fallen society, each person operating on their own values, beliefs, and experiences. Like so many of you, there is nothing I can say or do to influence the other person.

In this case, I recommend praying for wisdom, digging into Scripture for Truth, and repenting of the places you need to work on yourself. For example, in my broken relationship, the person told others that I didn’t care about my friends and I would eventually fail them all. Harsh. I hate to say it, but I took those words to heart and made it my goal to become a great friend. I still struggle in family relationships that are similar to that one, but I have so many amazing friends that I love dearly and want to care for well! The closer I grow to Christ, the more I grow individually and aim to love well. It also becomes clear that the difficult relationships in my life are hurting people that need grace. Sometimes this happens at a distance, but we focus on what we can control and let go of what we cannot.

I hope this is helpful. Time with family can be so sweet and it’s perfectly normal to be imperfect and weird. We are all still humans, going our own way and doing our own thing. The goal at this time of year is to make memories and celebrate what Jesus did for us to experience true forgiveness and healing.